Love Drought

This was not the blog I planned on writing and I was so disappointed and upset to the point where I was going to skip it and write when I felt like I could talk about the blog I originally planned.

I so much wanted this blog to be about love, and not self love which I’ve been harping on and still believe that is a huge part of love in any capacity, but I wanted to talk about intimate love, the kind that gives you butterflies and when your phone goes off you can’t help but run to see who it is, the kind that the mention of their name puts a huge smile on your face and makes you daydream of the moments you spent together, the kind that gives a glow to your skin and gives you flashbacks to intimate times- if you know what I mean-

But this is NOT. that. blog.

This is about keeping hope alive even when it seems impossible, this is about knowing that destiny is going to treat you kind and your vision of love is going to be all that you dreamed it to be and more, this is about lovers scorned who fight every single day to stay in love and not let hate win or turn them cold, this is about loving yourself because that is the first way to show anyone how to love you.

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I don’t have all the answers sway, but I do know it will work out. Maybe not like it does in the movies, or maybe it will. 

I like watching videos or hearing stories of happy couples and how they found the love of their life. More importantly the advice of how they maintained that love.

It gives me hope.

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Which is important because remaining opening after you’ve been broken is such hard work. Every day it feels like you’re just going through the motions. It is a literal fight within your mind everyday to not resort to being bitter or petty, . Its constant affirmations that you are fine, you are loved, you are worthy, you will get through this and you will be much better for it.

giphy (1)After I was broken I found myself questioning why?! Why is this happening to me? I couldn’t understand all these people telling me I’m beautiful, I’m such a strong, hard working, ambitious, independent woman, I set the standard, even the one who broke me told me I was who he compared everyone he dated to. Oh? Well why am I and why have I always been alone? If I am to believe everything people say I am- and I know I am– why hasn’t anyone taken a chance on me?- Very dangerous line of thinking because that my friends led me to a knock out cursing match with God and the universe. –

I literally sat, drank, and cried my heart out till my face was swollen, and cursed God because I just couldn’t understand, not even a test run?! 28 years and not 1 serious relationship or at the very least a test run?!

But lean not to your own understanding. 

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Sometimes while you’re sitting there thinking why is it happening to you, it’s happening FOR you.

After that fight with God and the universe I declared I would never let myself feel this way again.

The funny thing is, the next day I began to notice that people were coming to me, as if they were being sent to me, because the things they were saying were the very things I was cursing the night before about.

Someone was listening, I suppose.

I went back and had a much calmer conversation with God and the universe. Again because I realized it wasn’t happening to me, it is for me and whatever battle I’m being prepared for I needed to be much stronger than I am now. Let’s be honest the only way to get strong is to know weakness and the only way to change is to know growth.

Its uncomfortable and it hurts.

Will Smith talked about fault vs responsibility. –if you don’t follow him on Instagram you are doing yourself a huge disservice, he drops gems!– Remember it happened to you but its not your fault, it is however your responsibility of not letting it become you or define you.

img_7869Case and point: My father abandoned me. And I have been blaming him my whole life for doing that to me. I have subconsciously found him in every guy I have ever really cared for and they too have abandoned me. But it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It sucks. But I am the only one that can heal myself. Its my heart, not theirs –and when I say abandoned I mean just quit talking to me (I would insert “out of the blue” here, but I dont believe anything happens out of the blue, it happens for a reason unbeknownst to me) blocked me on social media, won’t respond to my texts as if I did something or there was a huge fight when it wasn’t—I also had to learn that the way they treated me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I’m not here to bash my father, I love him. I have a relationship with him now and because that happened I have a better understanding of who he is as a person and I love that he took responsibility and corrected his actions from the past.

But that still didn’t stop me from finding men just like the person he used to be, why? Because I didn’t take responsibility for my own healing. Savvy? It’s not my fault that people abandon me the way they do for whatever reason they choose to do it. I can’t fix a problem you don’t share with me.  I can’t point my finger at them and say it’s your fault fix it because that’s asking for them to take responsibility for my own healing. It is my responsibility to heal, take that hurt, learn and grow from it.

You’re the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot…

Sometimes when we are hurting it’s easy for us to forget our worth. It’s easy for us to blame ourselves and think we have to fix what was broken. Love is about being your whole self and sharing that with another person who is fully whole themselves. Being happily content with who you are “Being 2 whole people on two individual paths, choosing to walk your separate journeys together… and finding and taking responsibility for your own happiness individually and presenting it to the other person”-Will Smith –I told yall GEMS!

I believe love is about balance. 1st and foremost I believe you should fall in love with yourself and share the very best version of you with someone while also still giving yourself to you if that makes sense. Love is like a muscle that must always be fed nutrients and worked out, love is an endless journey that you agree to take with someone hoping that it won’t ever end but understanding the experience will take you both to new heights as well as through deep lows. When I love you I must be accepting of your growth and not content with your present. Just as you pick up on positive and negative energy I must be so in tune with you that I can pick up on your frequency waves as they move, I want to be able to hear your cry out when you hide it behind your smile. Love is understanding that to get to that point you must start it one day at a time with communication and interactions.”

A very special person to me gave me his definition of love, beautiful right? When he first told me this I was watching love fade between 2 people who used to be so in love, and I myself, was hoping love could grow with said special person.  It gave me inspiration for a series I initially wrote, but life throws you and I landed here, hurt, broken, abandoned, but healing. –somehow I know this is exactly where I was supposed to be-. In a way I feel this post is about love. How complicated and all consuming love is. How love grows. How love fades. How love hurts, but we learn from it, heal and continue our search for it.

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So let’s talk about it, what is your relationship with love?

Until Next Time!

XOXO

World Stop! Carry on..

I am an introvert at heart. I enjoy having fun and being social, but as much fun as that is, it’s also draining. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy being in my own world with my quirky little habits. I enjoy dancing around my house in my underwear singing at the top of my lungs eating ice cream straight out of the tub.
failed-resolutions-resized-600When this past year started, I had so many goals I wanted to accomplish. I’m usually the person that makes New Year’s Resolutions, but a month into the New Year; I completely blank on or forgot about those resolutions. –I have been trying to lose 30 pounds for 3 years -_-. Going into 2016 I really want to check some stuff off my list and I did, but once my list was getting checked off it only made me want to add more. This is where the balancing act came into play.

Balance.
Life is like a game of juggle sometimes. You juggle your needs, wants, career, and sometimes the curve ball life throws at you. You can become so focused on the game that you begin to lose sight of life and being in the moment. You become so focused on the act of juggling, that it’s routine. The game isn’t fun anymore, and now your body has the anigif_enhanced-buzz-21476-1427232414-14instinct and naturally knows how to juggle. So much so, that you can juggle with your eyes closed. The fun is now replaced with stress. Your arms are getting heavy, but you are focused. You are not going to let any of the balls drop. Your eyes are weary. Your body is giving out, but you are so determined to complete your task you ignore the signs. Until one day, you drop a ball. And like a snowball effect, all the balls fall. Your body has reached its limit. And you’re out the game. Mentally drained and physically exhausted.

Relaxation.

I had to take a step back. Mentally and physically I had no choice. I’m used to working 2 jobs 64+ hour work week, 7 days a week. I’m used to never pursuing things I want for myself. I changed that in 2016. I explored hobbies, I found my purpose, and I pursued my dreams, all while maintaining 2 jobs 64+ hour work week, 7 days a week. –talk about juggling! One morning I woke up, and physically could not move, work was not an option. I went to the doctor for her to tell me I was exhausted and I had a few vitamin deficiency and she gave me a mandatory 2 days off- which doesn’t seem like much, but it was very much needed to someone who only gets holidays off-

Thank God for friends. I took a trip to my friend’s lake house and got some much needed relaxation. While there in the middle of nowhere I found a little bit of restoration and rejuvenation.

Realization.

bossWe as individuals can be so hard on ourselves. Something inside me wanted to achieve so bad, which can sometimes be a good thing, but at what cost? I compare myself to my role models, people I aspire to become. If they can do it, what’s stopping me? I live by “You have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé. Get shit done.” Not a bad motto when you are Beyoncé and you have a team of people helping you to achieve your goals and dreams. I’m just one person. The actor, the cameraman, the editor, and the news reporter on my own story.

 

Re-invention.

7408e98bb9a3427e2cc6a218958dbfa8Going into this new year, let’s change up the way we do things –New Year, new me, who dis?- I had the concept right last year,3 goals, break those goals down into months, then weeks, then days. Work on them each little by little until the goal is complete.-I even made a video about it, see below or click ⇒ here – Sounds logical right? Until life happens and then what goals? Implementation is key right? Creating the goal and starting the goal is the easy part, actually following through and completing the goal that’s a completely different ball game- that I haven’t even made the team for, OK!-One of the things I find that hinders myself from completing the goal, is my mindset. If you think positive you stay positive, if you think this is going to fail, it will fail, if you think negative well you get what you think.- see where this is going?

42fda8172eb2c6d21113218e525032fe I have to constantly check in with myself once those feelings arise. I self-doubt, A LOT. Any form of art, you’re leaving yourself vulnerable. You’re literally taking something that is very special to you, something that took, hours, days, months, and years to make and then you present it for the world to see and not everyone is going to like it- that you know- but you are just hoping it is received well. You hope that it was received in the light that you made it in. As a writer, everything I publish is my baby, so I’m very protective of it. I struggle with writing sometimes because I can get a bit too personal. I’m very proud of what I write, I know it helps sooo many of you. Knowing that should be enough for me to keep going right? WRONG! I began to doubt that what I have to say is not very important. But isn’t it? That’s where I have to check myself. Ok, I’m feeling self-doubt. But that’s my own fear not allowing me to be great and fear and faith can’t reside in the same place. I have to literally tell myself out loud I am more than this. I am better than this someone out there is depending on me. I check that emotion and I continue on my way. Dreading going to work? Check that emotion, if you think it will be a shitty day guess what? It will be a shitty day! Humble yourself. Do you know how many people would kill for that very job so they can have that income?! It’s all about retraining your thoughts. As soon as that thought comes in CHECK THAT SHIT!

 

 

The Blacker The Berry…

black is be    Growing up we are all self conscience of something. Some of these things we eventual grow out of and some things we hold on to. We may bury it and carry it with us wherever we go, or we choose to let it out and try to overcome it and work through it. I wrote a blog not too long ago titled flaws and all- if you haven’t, stop reading and go check that blog out.- I talk about how my flaws are my beauty. It’s what makes me unique; it’s what makes me different. What I failed to mention was the flaw that took me the longest to overcome.

I love who I am. It took me so long to become comfortable and unapologetic with whom I am. It also took me a long time to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be and who I aspired to become. We all go through situations that shape and mold us to whom we are presently and who we will become. My main purpose was to talk about those situations that may be difficult to talk about, but people could relate to. To use my voice to expose deep issue that we I go through in life. I’ve been through a lot. More than meets the eye. To understand it we have to go to the beginning.

beautiful“Being a dark skinned black girl is a part of me. It’s something that I can never change, but I always wanted to.

I grew up in a neighborhood where it wasn’t exactly the hood, but it wasn’t middle class either. It was where they would put the elderly or disabled and every now and again, if you were lucky enough, they would place the people who didn’t seem like “hood rats”. Every now and again a select few slipped through the cracks. For the most part, it was a quiet neighborhood, but it was still the hood.

I went to a predominately white school. Sometimes I would be the only black kid in the class. If I got lucky there would be two of us, but I would be the only one that was aware.- I was very much aware that I came from a different background.-

My grandmother and mother always made it a point to teach me and my brother how to be proper, to have manners, and to never be a product of your environment. –be of the world, but not in it.

This made the kids in my neighborhood treat me as an outsider. Not only did I carry myself like I was above the hood, but I was pretty …for a dark-skinned girl. It’s funny; I always thought that phrase was a compliment. For a dark-skinned girl. Like the color of my skin somehow tarnished my beauty. Like I was less than. Like lighter skin was inferior to mine. The color of my skin somehow made me the scum. I was the blackest, or the darkest they had seen, so I must be the lowest of individuals. Forget my intellect, or my wisdom, or even my contributions to the world. Forget my degrees, my etiquette, or my beauty. No I’m dark skinned, I am not worthy of such status or accomplishments or education.

6a7d11960e9bb92d83727a4ecc737f24The white kids from school they accepted me until they became aware. I remember it like yesterday. It was my birthday and like any little girl in elementary school, I wanted to have a big birthday party and a sleepover. My mother worked her ass off to make sure I had it. After the party was over it was time to go back to my house for the sleepover. It was me and my 3 best friends, who all happened to be white.

In my neighborhood all the houses looked the exact same. Red brick one the outside with heavy metal doors. The inside had cylinder bricking all painted ivory. My mother was a great decorated, one of her many trades, and she always had the places hooked up. You never felt like you were in project housing when you were in our house, at least if you were from there.

My friends noticed right away. They each one by one started to feel scared. Before night fell they had each called their parents to pick them up, some even crying.

I hated myself even more. I began even harder to conform, to blend in, and to fit in. I knew if I could just get rid of my dark skin that they would love me.

it-isnt-a-matter-of-black-is-beautiful-as-much-as-it-is-white-is-not-all-thats-beautiful-quote-1The teachers picked on me. And when my mother would have my classes moved, the teachers would talk to each other and it would get even worse. My mother eventually withdrew me from the school and I went to stay in Texas with my grandmother.

This school was more diverse. My teacher was a young petite lady. My best friend was Asian and I wasn’t the only black kid in class, in fact if memory serves me right there were more black kids than white.

The kids there didn’t care about your skin color. I loved it there. I began to discover who I was beyond my skin color.

My days there were numbered. My grandmother could no longer care for me, she had a lot going on and was about to move to go back to school for another degree. I hated to leave. I felt so free there. It felt like where I should be.

When I came back home I had a “take no shit from no one” attitude. I went back to the same school with the same issues as a different person. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind for fear I wouldn’t be accepted. My new best friend was black, and he was unapologetically black. He helped me develop what my mom liked to call “the black girl attitude.” I was going to need it; the next chapter of my life was middle school and if I thought things were bad before. Well they were about to get worse.”

naturalblackwomanThats from something special I’m working on. Looking back now, I wish I would’ve told myself you are fine, you are beautiful, your black is beautiful! I wish I would’ve loved myself more. And realized that God knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to make me dark-skinned. I wish I could have told myself its them not me. I wish I could’ve learned sooner that its ok not to fit in and to stand out means more than I could ever know. I wish I would’ve realized sooner that the whole world would be trying to obtain this coco butter brown skin. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see this day and age trying to obtain all the features I was naturally born with.

I’m glad I know now. I’m proud to wake up every morning and have this gorgeous shade of brown skin. And I hope anyone reading this knows too. We were not made to be put in a box and considered the same. We were not made to feel inferior to others. We were not made to conform.

We were made beautifully flawed. We were made beautifully

#BlackLivesMatter                                #MyBlackIsBeautiful5dc2d0c77ba94b147ae8a55df7b5d743
P.S Go check out my last video –
The Downside to Social Media

P.S.S go check the video out for this blog here! The Blacker the Berry

Who Do You Love?

Valentines-Day-Chuck  As a single person with friends, married and in relationships, it looks as though it’s a long road. You begin to get questions such as when are you getting a man? You’re too pretty to be single? You must be lonely? And you even begin to question yourself, what’s wrong with me? I wish I had somebody to go here, why can’t I find a decent man? I too put myself in this boat.

pk3h2GdElEexThen something strange happened. I began to take the focus off of finding a man and put the focus on me. I began to find out who I was, what I wanted, and what made me happy.

What I eventually learned was that I like being single! -say what?- you read that right! I like having my space. I enjoy my peace and quiet. I like time to myself. I like getting to discover who I am and what I like and don’t like.

Don’t get me wrong every now and again it’s nice to experience those things with another. But I’m so invested in myself and the life I’m creating for me that it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to distract, attract me. I’m young and God willing I’ll live a long life and be able to experience that with the one God blesses me with, but for now I’m having fun. I’m investing in myself. And I must say I’m loving every minute of it!blogger-image-1106284924

Watch the latest video here:
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Flaws and All

flawsDisclaimer– I run a very open honest blog. This is what I consider a no judgment zone blog ( is there even such a thing these day YES!) the subject in this blog is very touchy for me so if you feel like y   our going to judge either exit stage left, or keep your negative opinions to yourself.

As the title suggest, I will be talking about flaws, or what is considered a flaw. In today’s society we put a huge amount of pressure on celebrity’s to look a certain way. In actuality, we put this pressure dfbon everyone, myself included. I find myself taking a million selfies just to get the perfect picture and even that picture gets some editing. Often times when a picture is snapped of me, I hate the outcome. I don’t consider myself ugly-everybody should think of himself or herself as the most beautiful person in the world-but I do believe in bad pictures or angles.

blogger-image-69863838Why do we put this pressure to look a certain way that can often be way different from what we actually look like? Or why are we so embarrassed about what we consider physical flaws that we become obsessed in hiding them? For example, (and I can only speak for myself and what I consider my flaws to be) I have facial hair like nobody’s business – I could probably grow a beard faster than my brother lol- ok its not that bad, but still. It has become such a hindrance (because tweezing the hair leaves behind dark spots) for me that I have become accustomed to different methods to get rid of it. Although I am looking into more permanent solutions, for now before I take a picture I find myself making the perfect pose to hide my scars -which are mostly on my neck-. Or let’s say it’s a body issue, I struggle with my weight, mostly because I’m a stress eater and a bottomless pit around that time of the month -sorry fellas- here lately I’ve gained more weight than usual and although it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, I still find myself wearing spanx or a corset to smooth it out. Muffin top is a no-no boo boo
get-your-life-copyWe as women put so much pressure on ourselves and for what? The things we considered imperfect, a man doesn’t even notice. And we as woman are so hard on other women. We will pick each other apart as if we were dipped in gold ourselves. The most beautiful picture on Instagram will have something wrong with it to somebody. So again I ask, why are we killing ourselves for the opinion of another that we will never be perfect for?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Today I say stop being so hard on ones self about the standard of beauty. You set your standard. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So I urge you in this post to spread positivity! Give compliments not criticize. We ladies have it hard enough as it is. So live in your flaws! Let it fly free! ROCK THE HELL OUT THAT SHIT!blogger-image--617808458