Love Drought

This was not the blog I planned on writing and I was so disappointed and upset to the point where I was going to skip it and write when I felt like I could talk about the blog I originally planned.

I so much wanted this blog to be about love, and not self love which I’ve been harping on and still believe that is a huge part of love in any capacity, but I wanted to talk about intimate love, the kind that gives you butterflies and when your phone goes off you can’t help but run to see who it is, the kind that the mention of their name puts a huge smile on your face and makes you daydream of the moments you spent together, the kind that gives a glow to your skin and gives you flashbacks to intimate times- if you know what I mean-

But this is NOT. that. blog.

This is about keeping hope alive even when it seems impossible, this is about knowing that destiny is going to treat you kind and your vision of love is going to be all that you dreamed it to be and more, this is about lovers scorned who fight every single day to stay in love and not let hate win or turn them cold, this is about loving yourself because that is the first way to show anyone how to love you.

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I don’t have all the answers sway, but I do know it will work out. Maybe not like it does in the movies, or maybe it will. 

I like watching videos or hearing stories of happy couples and how they found the love of their life. More importantly the advice of how they maintained that love.

It gives me hope.

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Which is important because remaining opening after you’ve been broken is such hard work. Every day it feels like you’re just going through the motions. It is a literal fight within your mind everyday to not resort to being bitter or petty, . Its constant affirmations that you are fine, you are loved, you are worthy, you will get through this and you will be much better for it.

giphy (1)After I was broken I found myself questioning why?! Why is this happening to me? I couldn’t understand all these people telling me I’m beautiful, I’m such a strong, hard working, ambitious, independent woman, I set the standard, even the one who broke me told me I was who he compared everyone he dated to. Oh? Well why am I and why have I always been alone? If I am to believe everything people say I am- and I know I am– why hasn’t anyone taken a chance on me?- Very dangerous line of thinking because that my friends led me to a knock out cursing match with God and the universe. –

I literally sat, drank, and cried my heart out till my face was swollen, and cursed God because I just couldn’t understand, not even a test run?! 28 years and not 1 serious relationship or at the very least a test run?!

But lean not to your own understanding. 

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Sometimes while you’re sitting there thinking why is it happening to you, it’s happening FOR you.

After that fight with God and the universe I declared I would never let myself feel this way again.

The funny thing is, the next day I began to notice that people were coming to me, as if they were being sent to me, because the things they were saying were the very things I was cursing the night before about.

Someone was listening, I suppose.

I went back and had a much calmer conversation with God and the universe. Again because I realized it wasn’t happening to me, it is for me and whatever battle I’m being prepared for I needed to be much stronger than I am now. Let’s be honest the only way to get strong is to know weakness and the only way to change is to know growth.

Its uncomfortable and it hurts.

Will Smith talked about fault vs responsibility. –if you don’t follow him on Instagram you are doing yourself a huge disservice, he drops gems!– Remember it happened to you but its not your fault, it is however your responsibility of not letting it become you or define you.

img_7869Case and point: My father abandoned me. And I have been blaming him my whole life for doing that to me. I have subconsciously found him in every guy I have ever really cared for and they too have abandoned me. But it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It sucks. But I am the only one that can heal myself. Its my heart, not theirs –and when I say abandoned I mean just quit talking to me (I would insert “out of the blue” here, but I dont believe anything happens out of the blue, it happens for a reason unbeknownst to me) blocked me on social media, won’t respond to my texts as if I did something or there was a huge fight when it wasn’t—I also had to learn that the way they treated me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I’m not here to bash my father, I love him. I have a relationship with him now and because that happened I have a better understanding of who he is as a person and I love that he took responsibility and corrected his actions from the past.

But that still didn’t stop me from finding men just like the person he used to be, why? Because I didn’t take responsibility for my own healing. Savvy? It’s not my fault that people abandon me the way they do for whatever reason they choose to do it. I can’t fix a problem you don’t share with me.  I can’t point my finger at them and say it’s your fault fix it because that’s asking for them to take responsibility for my own healing. It is my responsibility to heal, take that hurt, learn and grow from it.

You’re the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot…

Sometimes when we are hurting it’s easy for us to forget our worth. It’s easy for us to blame ourselves and think we have to fix what was broken. Love is about being your whole self and sharing that with another person who is fully whole themselves. Being happily content with who you are “Being 2 whole people on two individual paths, choosing to walk your separate journeys together… and finding and taking responsibility for your own happiness individually and presenting it to the other person”-Will Smith –I told yall GEMS!

I believe love is about balance. 1st and foremost I believe you should fall in love with yourself and share the very best version of you with someone while also still giving yourself to you if that makes sense. Love is like a muscle that must always be fed nutrients and worked out, love is an endless journey that you agree to take with someone hoping that it won’t ever end but understanding the experience will take you both to new heights as well as through deep lows. When I love you I must be accepting of your growth and not content with your present. Just as you pick up on positive and negative energy I must be so in tune with you that I can pick up on your frequency waves as they move, I want to be able to hear your cry out when you hide it behind your smile. Love is understanding that to get to that point you must start it one day at a time with communication and interactions.”

A very special person to me gave me his definition of love, beautiful right? When he first told me this I was watching love fade between 2 people who used to be so in love, and I myself, was hoping love could grow with said special person.  It gave me inspiration for a series I initially wrote, but life throws you and I landed here, hurt, broken, abandoned, but healing. –somehow I know this is exactly where I was supposed to be-. In a way I feel this post is about love. How complicated and all consuming love is. How love grows. How love fades. How love hurts, but we learn from it, heal and continue our search for it.

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So let’s talk about it, what is your relationship with love?

Until Next Time!

XOXO

Self Care: Why You Need It and How to Obtain It

I don’t know about anybody else, but the holidays have been draining for me- even though I was a self proclaimed Grinch seriously it was the first year I did not put up a tree and Christmas music was driving me insane! Lol- After gift shopping, holiday parties and celebrating the New Year I’m exhausted!

This year, like most, I have set some goals for myself; 3 specific goals. If you refer back to my very first video, I talk about keeping the goals to a minimum of 3 and elaborating on them. Too many goals split your focus or can become overwhelming-and I am already overworked! – try to do things to work toward your goals daily, weekly, and monthly. For instance, if your goal is to write a book; write a little each day, set a goal of a chapter a week by the end of the month you should have 4 chapters and that much closer to completing your book.

As I’ve gotten older, I have become a bit more private about the goals I set; they are very personal to me-and hello boundaries! – But I do want to share one I think everyone should be doing in some shape or form: Self Care.

Towards the end of the year things got super crazy for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. One thing that falls to the side when things get crazy is taking care of you. This is definitely a moment to be selfish. My grandmother always tells me you can’t take care of other people if you can’t take care of yourself. It starts with you. You can’t pour into other things if you’re empty. Self care is more about working on the inside rather than outside- but don’t get it twisted keep it cute on the outside too boo-

Creating a stress free environment and setting boundaries are definitely important steps for self care. I believe your job plays a major role in stress. I personally decided to make a role change at one of my jobs. I was an admin to a director which was great for my resume, but super stressful, not at all flexible and I was slowly becoming unhappy. I took a promotion to processing behavioral medical claims. Even though it’s considered a promotion I will be doing much less than what I was doing in my other role-which I am super excited for frees up time for me to do things I want to do- also, I was being constantly consumed by work thoughts that it was clouding my mind!

Your peace of mind is yours and yours alone! It’s especially important if you suffer from mental illnesses or disorders. After my last flair up with PMDD I decided that my peace of mind was most important. I practice meditation which I get into later, but I haven’t been incorporating those tools into areas of my life outside of the physical act of meditating. I think practicing mindful meditation would help with dealing with stress throughout the day. You should be protecting your peace of mind at all cost. –Boundaries people boundaries!- 

So going forward in 2018 here are some things I am incorporating to help me protect my peace of mind and continue to work on my self care.

  1. Meditation and Reading

I talk about meditation a lot in my blog, but it’s so good for you! After a meditation session I feel refreshed. I feel mentally relieved. –Like when you got to take a nap in kindergarten – it’s totally brings the focus back to the forefront. I do my meditation sessions at night right after doing yoga and sometimes during my breaks at work. However, it’s not something I practice constantly.

After the last PMDD episode I had, I found that I was having constant anxiety and mini anxiety attacks – and for myself I want to learn how to deal with it naturally vs. taking medication, that’s just for me– I researched ways to deal with the anxiety thoughts throughout the day and one of the things I found for practicing mindful meditation. Meditation is the act of clearing your thoughts; mindful meditation is the act of training your thoughts. So whatever I’m thinking about that is causing my anxiety, I’m training myself to be aware that I’m having those thoughts and redirect my thoughts to more positive thinking.

I read books… and I’ll read you if you try it!

Reading is another way I train my mind. I lovvvvvvveeeeee to read- I’m especially attracted to books about magic and wizardry– but I will read almost anything. Reading provides me an escape that nothing else does. –That feeling when you get caught up in a good book, it’s nothing like it! – I’m particular about how I read as well. I prefer physical books over reading on my phone or a kindle –and it’s something about the smell of a book– since I love to read so much I decided to create a space in my house that I could read.

So for 2018, I’m in the process of converting a corner in my bedroom into a reading nook. I’m getting a big comfy chair, pillows, and a comfy blanket, light, the whole 9. I will be sure to keep you guys updated.

  1. Yoga and Exercise

Yoga and meditation go hand in hand. Practicing meditation is a part of yoga, which is why every session ends in a 10 minute meditation-but don’t you leave feeling relaxed and refreshed?!-

Exercising is just great for you period. –Do I really need to tell you all the benefits from exercising? – I will say I like to end a great workout in the sauna for 15-20 mins. If you have asthma like myself this helps your lungs after an intense workout. The sauna is great for colds/sinus as well. I also like to put a deep conditioner in my hair and sit in the sauna-yes with my bag on my head daring anyone to say anything! – But it’s so good for your hair and really helps the product work.

  1. Nature

Hitting the gym is great but I prefer to run outside. Something about physically being able to see how far I’ve actually ran and see nature rather than the person’s butt in front of me or smelling that sweaty gym smell- you know what I’m talking about! – A walk in the park, a hike, walk a trail, ponder life at a stream, or bicycling around the city, fresh air is definitely another good way to clear your mind, focus on your thoughts, and gain some clarity.

  1. Spa Day

Specifically a at home spa day- because we ballas on a budget over here! – I believe pampering yourself is essential. Manicures, pedicures, body butters, massage oils, massages, eyebrow threading, waxes, I need all of that. ALL. OF. THAT.

I do have a nail tech that I go to for my nails– shout out to Venus K. at Nail Lounge in the Boro! She keeps my nail in check- I also hit up the European Wax Center in Brentwood for any waxing I get done. Other than that I mainly do everything else myself. Yes that’s right, I have learned how to do my eyebrows and my own pedicures, every now and again if I’m feeling fancy I may go and get a pedicure done but I never let anyone touch my brows!!- I had 1 bad brow experience, learned my lesson, and taught myself!-

When I was younger I constantly made everyone in the house mad because I was a bathroom hog! I loved taking long hot bubble baths and listening to music- and you know singing along to all the songs- unfortunately we lived in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house sooooo naturally if I was in the bathroom for hours on end no one else could use the bathroom –muahahahaha- As I got older and busier, I settled for hot showers over baths and occasionally took bubble baths. This year I am bringing them back! the goal is for 1 to 2 nights out of the week dedicated to a night of relaxation. A glass bottle of wine –or cherry juice– candle lit bubble baths with neo-soul radio station. –I mean how could you not?!?!

  1. Therapy and Journaling

In case you haven’t notice blogging is kind of like a therapy for me. Of course it’s condensed but none the less. Therapy helps me work through my problems the best. It’s a nonbiased opinion. My therapist suggested journaling because I have a hard time with my thoughts as far as tracking them or remember certain things especially if my anxiety has kicked up.

Thinking about something isn’t enough for me I have to get it out, write it down, and say it out loud, let my thoughts flow until I can figure it out or work through it. The longer it stays in the more it festers, the more toxic it becomes… –let that shit out

Boundaries, self affirmations, living stress free, and protecting your peace of mind are so vital in the day and age. How someone treats you is what you allow and no one will treat you better than you treat yourself! Make sure you are at the top of your list because like I said you can’t take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself. So be selfish with you, your energy, your time, your attention.

What are some things you do for self care? Let’s talk about it!

Oh wait before you go, I have updated my closet on Poshmark and dropped some prices, you can download the app here and shop my closet- @lilvee08 or you can click the link on my home page titled “shop my closet”

Until next time!

XOXO