How to Deal with Getting Ghosted

Have you ever been getting to know someone romantically and then boom, that person has suddenly disappeared? Have you ever been in a friendship that suddenly ended unbeknownst to you? Suddenly, you can’t find them on any social media platform?

You my friend have just been GHOSTED!

Ghosting– the practice of ending a personal relationships with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

People ghost for many different reasons, but the most popular reasons are to avoid hard conversations or to keep one foot in the door. Rather than saying they need some time or they just aren’t ready, they will cut communication instead. When they are ready they will show up like a ghost from the grave and usually never acknowledge the really shitty thing they did or give some whack excuse as to why they ghosted in the first place.

However, ghosting has the opposite effect of what I think the point is. People ghost as a way to not have the awkward conversations of why they don’t want to continue the relationship anymore. What it actually does is drive the person to continue to reach out until they get the hint and move on. What could have been settled in one conversation has now taken weeks… sometimes even months. Most of the time you run into the person and still end up having to have that now awkward conversation.

The worst kind of ghosting- well being ghosted in general is pretty bad– is when they cut all communication with you, but talk about the situation to other people like it won’t get back to you. It’s one thing to have an issue with someone who you wont talk to about it, but it’s another to have an issue and tell everyone, but the person you have the issue with.- I mean who raised you?!?– This is where immaturity comes into play. If you won’t talk to the person who is the best to solve the issue, why talk about it at all?

I used to feel it was a very childish thing to ghost someone and to some extent it still is. If there is an issue you should be able to communicate that as an adult even if you don’t want to further the relationship. What ghosting does for the person who has seemingly disappeared is bring them peace, but for the one who got ghosted, it leaves them left in the dark questioning and going over everything that happened to see where they went wrong. It places the blame on the wrong person.

It wasn’t until I did the ghosting, did I understand it’s not you, it’s them; Let me explain.

I have been ghosted a few times by lovers, friends and family.-I believe mostly because people have this perception that I’m argumentative because I like to debate. It’s a difference. I can have a civil conversation if you’re willing to have a civil conversation.- I was the person left in the dark trying to figure out why. Not wanting to reach out, afraid that I may look creepy or desperate.- And I can be a very prideful person– Instead, I would drive myself crazy asking “What was wrong with me that would make someone want to treat me that way?” or “What did I do to deserve that?” Left to believe that if I could just figure out why I was being ignored, then I could fix it.-See that opposite effect thing I was talking about?”

There is an exception to ghosting. I believe it’s ok to ghost someone if you are being or were abused by the person. By all means, cut all ties. I ghosted someone for this very reason and I do not regret it at all. You do not owe anyone that is physically, mentally or emotionally abusing you a reason, a conversation, or even a text message as to why you are leaving. Just leave and don’t look back.

What I’ve learned from being ghosted and doing the ghosting, is that in most cases it is not about you, it’s about them. Most people ghost because they don’t want a serious relationship or they are dealing with something personal. Not because you’re shy, have fat rolls, or because you fell that one time and completely embarrassed yourself. – although these could certainly be reasons, childish, but nevertheless– Often times it’s much bigger than that.  I believe ghosting is manipulative, egotistical and childish. Any time it happens to you consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet. This person doesn’t have the skills it requires to be in your life and they saved you the trouble and drama of having to find that out the hard way. Don’t take it to heart, don’t dwell on it, or drive yourself crazy thinking about it. Remember it’s them, not you. However, don’t allow the ghost to return from the dead.- No boo, don’t allow that type of behavior, we are better than that!!– Dust it off and keep it moving.

Have you dealt with any ghosts or have you been the ghost? Lets talk about it!!

As always,

Dont be Bitter,

Be Better!

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Dont be Bitter be Better: 3 Reasons Why I Chose to be Single

Reading the heading of this post, I know you’re wondering why would one choose to be single.-Let me explain.- I found myself in an odd place. I was in a situationship that ended on good terms, we even decided to still remain friends. Even after the romantic phase was over, we would meet up for drinks and still text as friends. One day, I found myself blocked and ignored. This was someone who I had a fifteen year friendship with so to be suddenly cut out of their life was odd. I would speak when I saw them and nothing, not even a hello back. The need to know why I was suddenly being treated this way was growing inside of me. The more it happened the angrier I became. –I know what your thinking why did you continue to speak?- A part of me was all kill them with kindness, but another part felt it was probably agitating them that I did– that was the petty part of me.

Privately, I was very hurt by losing the relationship and the friendship. – I was hurt hurt. Mariah Carey’s breakdown ft Bone-Thugs and Harmony has never made more sense than that moment in time

The guy a dated after that 5months into the dating phase –not relationship but casually dating– he got engaged to someone else. Yes, you read that right, engaged to another girl while we were dating, and to add insult to injury I found about it 2 weeks later from someone who didn’t even know I knew him, let alone was dating him.- the audacity, tuh!-

I felt myself becoming bitter. I didn’t want to shut love out, but at that moment I didn’t know how I could continue to be so open to something that was literally ripping my heart apart. I prayed to ease the pain and bring me understanding. In the past, I had taken a break from dating before and dated myself, but I was still open to invitations. Initially when I took the first break, I was a 20 something year old who was lost. My 20s were rough and flew by. I am now a 30 something who has experience. I’m more settled now, I feel wiser like I have a new lens on life. I don’t feel so desperate to get to a finish line of a goal, until I started comparing my life to where I thought I should be for my age. So this decision didn’t come lightly. This time I decided to decline any interests. No dates. I didn’t entertain someone who was interested in dating. If they weren’t pre-existing non-romantic friendships, I wasn’t available for it. I wanted to completely focus on me and pour into myself. My prayers were eventually answered, but in praying I realized a few things about myself and how I approached dating:

1. Relationships were the goal
My goal was to be in a relationship. That’s it. That’s all I wanted. I had no clue what I was going to do after I got into one, but as someone whos never been in one, that was my goal. Somewhere along the way I began to be desperate to be in one. To be claimed, chosen, picked from the bunch. The older I got the more important it became. Towards the end of my 20s dating began to feel more of a hassle than fun. Dating was supposed to be the time of your life, but for me it felt like a means to an end.

If you listen to society, being single will have you feeling worthless. You cant possibly be anyone of value if you’re not in a relationship or married, your advice is worthless, you don’t understand anything as it relates to relationships and you can’t hang around the couple crowd if you are single. I have lost so called friends for being the single one. To be deemed “worthy” by society, I needed to be in a relationship.

I started to look at every possible love interest as “the one”. After the initial contact, I daydreamed about our life together. -if I really found you attractive.- I had an unrealistic expectation for every man who entered my romantic life. I was never in the present moment. I never saw it for what it was until it was over, and I was heartbroken, more so by the possibilities than by missing out on the person. –cause lets be honest, if relationships weren’t my goal there is no way I would have been with some of the dudes I entertained. They were definitely “what were you thinking?” type of guys, especially the 2 mentioned at the opening- I focused very little on the person and more on the end result.

2. Dating with Intention.
I investigated my dating history and they were all pointless. There were no clear intentions or standards set in the beginning. They were all “I like you, you like me, lets see what happens”. – 4 words no woman should fall for-. There were no clear boundaries. No clear communication. It was all unhealthy. Not only were the relationships not clear, but neither was I. I had no clue what I wanted in a relationship. I didn’t understand the value of what I was bringing to a relationship and what I should be receiving from one. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had no clue how relationships worked. Sure, I had examples, but they all seemed to be unhappy or settling for things that didn’t align with their morals or values. –and I did not want to be one of those people.- Even though I knew what I didn’t want, I still wasn’t clear on what I did want.

I’m a researcher, I have to have understanding. The “why” must be answered. So, I did what any researcher would do; I read. I read books, 4 specifically; The Conversation– Hill Harper, Relationship Goals– Michael Todd, Judge This Cover-Brittany Renner, and The Game of Desire– Shannon Boodram.

I have read The Conversation many years ago. I remember it being so packed with gems, that I wrote notes in the margins and highlighted sentences throughout the book. I decided to reread it. The gems were still valid. It is, however, geared more toward people already in a relationship, but it gave me insight.

I loved the Youtube series Relationship Goals so much! It was actually the first thing I watched while struggling through the pain of losing the friendship. I learned a lot by watching the series. So, when Michael Todd wrote a book, I brought it on preorder. The book was so different from the series, which I loved, no one wants to read something they’ve already heard verbatim. There were some parts of the book I disagreed with, but he does speak about all kinds of relationships as it relates to God. I had to keep reminding myself that the book isn’t just talking about romantic relationships. Also, every relationship doesn’t have to work according to someone else’s interpretation of the bible. Overall, I enjoyed the book and got a real grasp about faith in relationships.

Ill admit, I was a little reluctant to read Judge This Cover by Brittany Renner. Brittany Renner is a social media star who is best known for her sexy photos and fitness on Instagram. She has made a name for herself by posting workout videos and promoting fitness products. Brittany has been known to date some very famous people. It is said that most of the relationships she refers to in her book are about those famous people, although the names have been changed in the book. I was really shocked by how insightful this book was. I related to her and her struggles with dating. Though she was a little more free in her sexuality, I admired her willingness to bare it all in the book. She also gave a different perspective and some great advice. Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone. Most people I know that did read it, did so to be nosy about her life, but ended up loving the book for her insight. I’m telling you it was a great read!

Lastly, I read The Game of Desire. I was pleasantly surprised by this book. If you’re not familiar with Shannon Boodram, she is a certified intimacy educator who teaches people to be more competent and confident as it relates sexology. My judgement of the book pre-reading it was that it was going to be mostly about sex. While there is, of course, sex talk in the book, the book is mostly about you. Discovering who you are, your love language, your personality traits, your intimacy language etc, and how to use that to be present in your dating life. There is a workbook you can fill out prior to reading which I highly recommend. I learned more about who I am as a person reading this book, than I did about dating. I honestly wished I would have read this book first. This is a book I highly recommend everyone read.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

3. Self-Love
You knew we were going to end up here! I preach this. Every time I think I have finally obtained the highest level of loving yourself, I find something that could use extra work, a little extra love. When it came to intimacy and body positivity, I lacked majorly. I noticed in the bedroom or times of vulnerability; I was very mean to myself. –You know the talk “suck it in don’t let them see you have a gut, eww” “wear something to cover your arms no one needs to see those Hammocks” “ you want to wear shorts, have you seen your thighs??” “Make sure it’s dark when you take your pants off gotta hide those stretch marks, that’ll be a major turn off”.– Being sexual with some one may have felt good, physically, but mentally I was beating myself up with negative talk the entire time and after was worse.

I have struggled with my weight ever since I took the depo shot. My body has been through a lot. I have gotten trainers, changed my diet, taken weight loss pills, different diet fads all to try to lose weight. I cant remember a time in my adult life that I actually loved my body. There were certain things about myself I wanted to change, and I would, only to gain it back. Doctors would tell me to change my diet or to eat smaller meals more frequently and if I got sick they would say it was just a stomach flu. It wasn’t until I landed in the ER twice with the same doctor that pointed out that something wasn’t right; did I really start to find answers.

After getting diagnosed and getting a treatment plan together, I really began to focus on my health as a whole. I began to make the correct changes and my body actually responded. I began to look more and more like the person I saw in my mind. My self-talk became positive. Sure, there are still somethings I’m a little self-conscious about, but the positive outweighs the negative. The negative is what I strive to give the most love to. Constant reminders that we are regular people and look like real people. We don’t have tiny waists and giant asses. Our breast will have a little sag to them. Stretch marks are a part of growth your body is constantly changing, and facial hair is a thing, almost everyone has it. Society and social media will have you out here changing who you are to fit their standards of beauty rather than loving the way God created you. No knock to plastic surgery, if that’s a path you want or need to take to love who you are, more power to you, go forth and do that, but make sure it’s for you and not for the world. “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I have been purposely single for a year. Every now and again I’ll feel alone, but I’m not lonely. I have found less of a desire to be in a relationship and more of a desire to be comfortable with who I am before inviting someone into my space; my peace. I’m more understanding about my love life and what I need and require to continue to flourish and grow. I’m no longer feeling bitter…. I’m better.-does my tagline make more sense to you now?-

Would you take a year off from dating to learn yourself? Let me know in the comments below!

As always, remember,

Don’t be Bitter,

Be Better!!

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Compromise.

tumblr_mgoqj0UNbR1r92a16o1_500I’ve never understood how people could always be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong I used to yearn to be in one, understandably so, who wants to be alone? How could you be in a relationship and never spent time with yourself? The older I get, the time I spend getting to know who I am, what I want , what I like and dislike and being comfortable and loving who I am; I wouldn’t trade for the world.

dfbI won’t compromise who I am for someone else. You cannot ask me to change who I am for you. to love someone is to accept all of them and give the same respect in return. They may not agree with or understand it, but they have to accept me as I am.

A certain maturity level is required. I never understood how you can feel a certain way about your significant others past. Past relationships, past situationships, past jumpoffs, and friendships, if those people are not a threat to your relationship and they were before you, why are you in your feelings about it? Especially if it’s a friendship. If that friend is not being disrespectful to the friendship how can you ask them to drop their friend like a bad habit? And shame to the person that does it. To me that speaks volumes about your insecurities and ya’ll got deeper issues that need to be worked out. Be confident in who your with.

carrie-sex-and-the-cityNow I understand I’m single – thank the lord- because it’s going to take a strong minded man to break this streak! You have to be pretty undeniable for me to lose focus on myself. Let’s be clear, a potential is not competing with other potentials, no no, you are competing with me! I’m focused man!!!!! You got to get me to do a double take at you, and trust me, that’s quite a task.
Now I may be a bit of a late bloomer, but it took me a while to be confident and secure in who I am. To be me; unapologetically. I think that is the MOST important thing to be walking into a relationship. Know you first boo boo, and then go get your man!

I Know What He Likes

So I was interested to know what men are attracted to, what things stand out the most. For me, most of my blogs are lately I have been written from my point of view, with some input from my circle of friends. This time I wanted to get my males opinion. I asked them series of questions and gathered a good idea of what the typical established male is looking for.

What feature they found attractive to the opposite sex?
dsfghjkNow I’m not going to lie, I thought I would get the typical answers like she gotta have a fat ass, big titties, small waist etc., but oh I was reassured that there is hope for us grown females that are still searching for that grown man! The top answers I got were that men want someone who carries themselves well. Size really didn’t matter to them as long as you could carry yourself well with that size, clothes that fit be put together. My favorite answer was realness. In a world where everything is becoming so fake some men still value realness. I’m not talking the personality trait, but rather the hair and nails. The other answers I got were approachable down to earth and nice teeth.

Next I asked if they prefer a specific race?
vghjkNow I did this for a couple reasons. I as a dark skinned African American woman seem to sometimes get over looked if I’m standing next to someone of light color. I have always had friends that are of the yellow bone complexion and although I didn’t find a couple of them more attractive than me – TIMEOUT- let’s not sit here and pretend that we don’t compare ourselves to the next chick even our friends. We don’t like our friend cause they’re extra fine it’s their personality, but you can bet your bottom dollar if you had to go up against her in looks you knew if you would fail or win in that category SOMEBODY gotta be the ugly friend,-TIME IN- but they always seemed to win even with jacked up teeth! So imagine my shock when I asked the question and got… NO SPECIFIC TYPE. Wait what?!?! Now maybe this has to do with the grown man putting away his childish ways, because lets be real to only date a certain type of skin color and not give other women a chance is very childish, because to love a person has nothing to do with their skin color- if only America could learn that-
imagesasdfgNow being the single woman that I am, I asked if there were any tips or advice they had on getting chose., for a relationship/wife. And by far the best answer I got I have to share verbatim “A woman shouldn’t wasn’t to be chose, she should was to be cherished. Being chose is like saying you are being selected off a shelf with others which in turns devalues woman’s worth.” Now I completely agree with this answer. We as women should demand to be cherished. However, for us single ones you often wonder is there something I’m doing wrong that I could do different to change my outcome? Another answer that I liked was “Men will treat you how you come off as you want to be treated”. In oher words, post a thirsty picture, you know the one half naked, showing that ass off, and a dog will surely pant in heat. The best way to be on your way to a relationship is to be yourself and to be open. It’s as simple as that.

imagesweNow ladies listen up, because this may help you change your ways! More than anything males hate an attention whore. That was my number one answer to turn offs. Don’t be that female in the club loud as hell for no reason; no one likes that female, she just good for entertainment. You heard it here first. Secondly, being closed- minded, gossipy, lack of confidence and argumentative. Let’s be honest, I can’t be around anybody with these traits, energy level is so negative it has to be hard to have to come home to someone like that.

Lastly I asked what were personality traits that were turn ons, and turn offs. I found that what it boils down to his someone who shares the same interest they have. I think this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, if you don’t share the same interest but forth some effort to. If that fails lord help you! Pick up the slack in other areas like having good convo, fashionable, goal oriented etc.

I learned a lot just from these simple questions, Did you?
I would like to give a HUGE thank you to the men that participated in this blog it absolutely means the world to me to have your support! To my ladies, if you get nothing else out of this blog, take this away; be you! He who is for you will accept you as you are even your weird little corks that you think no one finds interesting. Be open and always be independent, in the sense that you have some business about yourself, and remember the bible says he who FINDS a wife FINDS a good thing. Men are the hunters for a reason, don’t be desperate boo it’ll happen on Gods time. In the meantime, stay you and be beautiful!

You’re Turning Me Off…

First i had a very major minor set back, i lost my thumb drive with all my work on it, which caused a delay in my blogs, for that I’m sorry. However, I’m back and its back to your regularly schedule program!….

keri-hilson-and-melody-ehsani-turning-me-off-ring-gallery
Following the last post, naturally everything that is the opposite of what attracts me will turn me off. Like stated before, I can get passed some of those only IF what follows doesn’t completely turn me off. Now here’s where I can begin to get real picky. Yes, I tend to get quickly turnt off once I truly get to know a person, but that is what getting to know a person is for, to see if you truly get along? Well that’s a post soon to follow, here’s what can get you a quick dismissed without even making an attempt to get to know you..
pictures_of_the_day_6Weak game.
Now fellas, listen up cause I just may help you bag that chick you’ve been eyeing for far too long. Your game has to match the female! A confident female, who appears to have everything going for herslf, is not going to go for that middle school approach! You guys gotta drop the clichés and just be yourself with it. Drop the “game” approach and just come to her as you are. Confident girls can spot phoniness a mile away. Now notice I said confident female, you can get away with a weak game with an insecure female, sad but true.

Being stingy.imagesnb

Now I may just contradict myself here, however if you are in a club/lounge/bar setting send that girl a drink! Yes I know its cliché but females like the attention. Now I know most males hate doing this because they feel as if they have paid for this drink and the female may reject them, which may be true. If you have engaged this female in conversation a good way to keep her attention is to buy her a drink. Its also very refreshing to the female. I’ll give you guys a great example. Me and a friend of mine were out shopping and decided to grab a bite to eat. While the place was packed we decided to sit at the bar. Some nice looking gentlemen decided to sit beside us and being friendly we all began talking. About 10 mins. Into the convo, the two men brought both me and my friend a drink. This caught my attention for a couple of reasons. 1. Being that I was half in the convo because I could barely hear them it said to me “hey I see you too” 2.it completely caught me by surprised. We weren’t 2 females that were sitting there waiting for males’ attention (we not that type, NEVER BEEN) So it was nice to get a gesture that we were not expecting. Yes fellas that’s right, not all females expect for you to do something for them!

Lingering.
That one male you are trying your hardest to let down gently because you are really a nice person, but they don’t get the hint and then the bitch is about 2.5 seconds from coming out. If I tell you I have a man and you hit me with the “can’t we just be friends” Absolutely……NOT! If I have already told you no and your trying your hardest to play how many different ways can she say no before she says yes, the answer is im not! Nobody likes that game and certainly not finna play it. Take the hint and kindly find a female willing to give you that yes. Its as simple as that.8570995795ae2d04a35b3af2c8a14879

That’s all I got for this one until next time don’t stay thirsty stay yourself!

What Attracts You

What attracts you to the opposite-or same if you’re into that kind of thing-sex? For me it’s a couple of things that catch my eye when I first meet a guy. Just the same they’re a couple things that can quickly turn me off. I’m very selective and I’m slightly picky but my standards are what some may consider high. –Mostly to those that can’t meet them- now I won’t completely dismiss you if you don’t meet all of my standards but you have to be seriously pulling weight in other areas for me to forgive the areas you don’t meet. Without words spoken, what initially attracts you?

Let’s set the scene.
You’re at a laid back type of lounge, sipping your drink with your girls or the fellas and you look up at the table across from yours filled with a group of guys/girls, what is the first thing you notice about the “attractive” one?
For me, I imagessanotice the smile and the eyes. I have always been a sucker for a charming smile. Straight white teeth swoons among the list of things I look at that is the top of the list. If you’re a person that doesn’t smile a lot, I assume you don’t know how to let loose. I like a man that’s full of life. A man that likes to laugh and joke, but not take it too far – it can go from real funny to I will cut you real swift like! It’s all good till it isn’t right?- a smile can tell me that, if I look at you and you smile your polite, if your always smiling/laughing you enjoy having a good time, you probably have a good energy about you. Now when it comes to your eyes, I’m looking for eye contact when your talking to me. Plus your eyes can be a dead give away to wait your really looking for.. and at

Next, my eyes go directly to the shoes. Let’s be real, if you don’t own at least ONE pair of decent going out shoes, what are you doing with your life? This is an essential that can be used over and over, an investment! The shoes a person wears can tell a story about them, make sure it’s the right one. Now I’m not saying they have to be the hottest latest shoes on the block, but some nice quality can go a long way.

Next I travel to the build of a man. The way his clothes fit him, if he looks fit or how muscular he is. Now I can be a bit of a hypocrite in thistrey-songz-shirtless-in-cancun area. I’ve always heard a man is a reflection of yourself. Now I’m not the fittest woman. There are some areas I need to work on – I’ll be honest- I’m not a gym junkie but I don’t completely neglect it either. However, I like my man to look fit. A person that looks like they take care of themselves, is probably more upbeat, has their stuff together, and is more ambitious or focused. I go for more of an athletic build. Trey Songz, Michael B. Jordon – both have already been established as bae in previous post- a basketball players build. Defines, toned arms, six pack-honestly I think that goes without saying- a defined back, toned shoulder and the pecks to match are all lovely features. I think working out says a lot about a person mentally and is good for overall health. There’s really no excuse not to workout 30 mins. out your day and it can be completely free. I also want to know if the zombie eclipse should come I have a standing chance with you –lol-

Finally, I look at the way you carry yourself. Now this above all else has to be in place. Are you nails clean, are your lips chapped, are you well dressed, do you smell good, is your hair cut?, are you ashy?-lol- seriously though small things I noticed wayyy faster than the big things, odd I know. I personally don’t know any woman/man that would want/be attracted to a man/woman that were lacking in this area. Especially, if you knowingly go out looking a mess. To me that says either you really didn’t want to go out or you are seriously lacking some home training, and I don’t want to even think about what your place looks like eeeeekk. Even if you are struggling financially these are simple inexpensive, things you could do on your own to improve your chances.

david-beckham--zNow for me, these are just the things I quickly check out, while looking through a crowd or see gentlemen sitting at a table. It gets way deeper once a man opens his mouth and I’ll get into that on the next blog. Until then, I’d like to know what attracts you?