Love Drought

This was not the blog I planned on writing and I was so disappointed and upset to the point where I was going to skip it and write when I felt like I could talk about the blog I originally planned.

I so much wanted this blog to be about love, and not self love which I’ve been harping on and still believe that is a huge part of love in any capacity, but I wanted to talk about intimate love, the kind that gives you butterflies and when your phone goes off you can’t help but run to see who it is, the kind that the mention of their name puts a huge smile on your face and makes you daydream of the moments you spent together, the kind that gives a glow to your skin and gives you flashbacks to intimate times- if you know what I mean-

But this is NOT. that. blog.

This is about keeping hope alive even when it seems impossible, this is about knowing that destiny is going to treat you kind and your vision of love is going to be all that you dreamed it to be and more, this is about lovers scorned who fight every single day to stay in love and not let hate win or turn them cold, this is about loving yourself because that is the first way to show anyone how to love you.

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I don’t have all the answers sway, but I do know it will work out. Maybe not like it does in the movies, or maybe it will. 

I like watching videos or hearing stories of happy couples and how they found the love of their life. More importantly the advice of how they maintained that love.

It gives me hope.

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Which is important because remaining opening after you’ve been broken is such hard work. Every day it feels like you’re just going through the motions. It is a literal fight within your mind everyday to not resort to being bitter or petty, . Its constant affirmations that you are fine, you are loved, you are worthy, you will get through this and you will be much better for it.

giphy (1)After I was broken I found myself questioning why?! Why is this happening to me? I couldn’t understand all these people telling me I’m beautiful, I’m such a strong, hard working, ambitious, independent woman, I set the standard, even the one who broke me told me I was who he compared everyone he dated to. Oh? Well why am I and why have I always been alone? If I am to believe everything people say I am- and I know I am– why hasn’t anyone taken a chance on me?- Very dangerous line of thinking because that my friends led me to a knock out cursing match with God and the universe. –

I literally sat, drank, and cried my heart out till my face was swollen, and cursed God because I just couldn’t understand, not even a test run?! 28 years and not 1 serious relationship or at the very least a test run?!

But lean not to your own understanding. 

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Sometimes while you’re sitting there thinking why is it happening to you, it’s happening FOR you.

After that fight with God and the universe I declared I would never let myself feel this way again.

The funny thing is, the next day I began to notice that people were coming to me, as if they were being sent to me, because the things they were saying were the very things I was cursing the night before about.

Someone was listening, I suppose.

I went back and had a much calmer conversation with God and the universe. Again because I realized it wasn’t happening to me, it is for me and whatever battle I’m being prepared for I needed to be much stronger than I am now. Let’s be honest the only way to get strong is to know weakness and the only way to change is to know growth.

Its uncomfortable and it hurts.

Will Smith talked about fault vs responsibility. –if you don’t follow him on Instagram you are doing yourself a huge disservice, he drops gems!– Remember it happened to you but its not your fault, it is however your responsibility of not letting it become you or define you.

img_7869Case and point: My father abandoned me. And I have been blaming him my whole life for doing that to me. I have subconsciously found him in every guy I have ever really cared for and they too have abandoned me. But it’s my responsibility to deal with that. It sucks. But I am the only one that can heal myself. Its my heart, not theirs –and when I say abandoned I mean just quit talking to me (I would insert “out of the blue” here, but I dont believe anything happens out of the blue, it happens for a reason unbeknownst to me) blocked me on social media, won’t respond to my texts as if I did something or there was a huge fight when it wasn’t—I also had to learn that the way they treated me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I’m not here to bash my father, I love him. I have a relationship with him now and because that happened I have a better understanding of who he is as a person and I love that he took responsibility and corrected his actions from the past.

But that still didn’t stop me from finding men just like the person he used to be, why? Because I didn’t take responsibility for my own healing. Savvy? It’s not my fault that people abandon me the way they do for whatever reason they choose to do it. I can’t fix a problem you don’t share with me.  I can’t point my finger at them and say it’s your fault fix it because that’s asking for them to take responsibility for my own healing. It is my responsibility to heal, take that hurt, learn and grow from it.

You’re the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot…

Sometimes when we are hurting it’s easy for us to forget our worth. It’s easy for us to blame ourselves and think we have to fix what was broken. Love is about being your whole self and sharing that with another person who is fully whole themselves. Being happily content with who you are “Being 2 whole people on two individual paths, choosing to walk your separate journeys together… and finding and taking responsibility for your own happiness individually and presenting it to the other person”-Will Smith –I told yall GEMS!

I believe love is about balance. 1st and foremost I believe you should fall in love with yourself and share the very best version of you with someone while also still giving yourself to you if that makes sense. Love is like a muscle that must always be fed nutrients and worked out, love is an endless journey that you agree to take with someone hoping that it won’t ever end but understanding the experience will take you both to new heights as well as through deep lows. When I love you I must be accepting of your growth and not content with your present. Just as you pick up on positive and negative energy I must be so in tune with you that I can pick up on your frequency waves as they move, I want to be able to hear your cry out when you hide it behind your smile. Love is understanding that to get to that point you must start it one day at a time with communication and interactions.”

A very special person to me gave me his definition of love, beautiful right? When he first told me this I was watching love fade between 2 people who used to be so in love, and I myself, was hoping love could grow with said special person.  It gave me inspiration for a series I initially wrote, but life throws you and I landed here, hurt, broken, abandoned, but healing. –somehow I know this is exactly where I was supposed to be-. In a way I feel this post is about love. How complicated and all consuming love is. How love grows. How love fades. How love hurts, but we learn from it, heal and continue our search for it.

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So let’s talk about it, what is your relationship with love?

Until Next Time!

XOXO

Self Care: Why You Need It and How to Obtain It

I don’t know about anybody else, but the holidays have been draining for me- even though I was a self proclaimed Grinch seriously it was the first year I did not put up a tree and Christmas music was driving me insane! Lol- After gift shopping, holiday parties and celebrating the New Year I’m exhausted!

This year, like most, I have set some goals for myself; 3 specific goals. If you refer back to my very first video, I talk about keeping the goals to a minimum of 3 and elaborating on them. Too many goals split your focus or can become overwhelming-and I am already overworked! – try to do things to work toward your goals daily, weekly, and monthly. For instance, if your goal is to write a book; write a little each day, set a goal of a chapter a week by the end of the month you should have 4 chapters and that much closer to completing your book.

As I’ve gotten older, I have become a bit more private about the goals I set; they are very personal to me-and hello boundaries! – But I do want to share one I think everyone should be doing in some shape or form: Self Care.

Towards the end of the year things got super crazy for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. One thing that falls to the side when things get crazy is taking care of you. This is definitely a moment to be selfish. My grandmother always tells me you can’t take care of other people if you can’t take care of yourself. It starts with you. You can’t pour into other things if you’re empty. Self care is more about working on the inside rather than outside- but don’t get it twisted keep it cute on the outside too boo-

Creating a stress free environment and setting boundaries are definitely important steps for self care. I believe your job plays a major role in stress. I personally decided to make a role change at one of my jobs. I was an admin to a director which was great for my resume, but super stressful, not at all flexible and I was slowly becoming unhappy. I took a promotion to processing behavioral medical claims. Even though it’s considered a promotion I will be doing much less than what I was doing in my other role-which I am super excited for frees up time for me to do things I want to do- also, I was being constantly consumed by work thoughts that it was clouding my mind!

Your peace of mind is yours and yours alone! It’s especially important if you suffer from mental illnesses or disorders. After my last flair up with PMDD I decided that my peace of mind was most important. I practice meditation which I get into later, but I haven’t been incorporating those tools into areas of my life outside of the physical act of meditating. I think practicing mindful meditation would help with dealing with stress throughout the day. You should be protecting your peace of mind at all cost. –Boundaries people boundaries!- 

So going forward in 2018 here are some things I am incorporating to help me protect my peace of mind and continue to work on my self care.

  1. Meditation and Reading

I talk about meditation a lot in my blog, but it’s so good for you! After a meditation session I feel refreshed. I feel mentally relieved. –Like when you got to take a nap in kindergarten – it’s totally brings the focus back to the forefront. I do my meditation sessions at night right after doing yoga and sometimes during my breaks at work. However, it’s not something I practice constantly.

After the last PMDD episode I had, I found that I was having constant anxiety and mini anxiety attacks – and for myself I want to learn how to deal with it naturally vs. taking medication, that’s just for me– I researched ways to deal with the anxiety thoughts throughout the day and one of the things I found for practicing mindful meditation. Meditation is the act of clearing your thoughts; mindful meditation is the act of training your thoughts. So whatever I’m thinking about that is causing my anxiety, I’m training myself to be aware that I’m having those thoughts and redirect my thoughts to more positive thinking.

I read books… and I’ll read you if you try it!

Reading is another way I train my mind. I lovvvvvvveeeeee to read- I’m especially attracted to books about magic and wizardry– but I will read almost anything. Reading provides me an escape that nothing else does. –That feeling when you get caught up in a good book, it’s nothing like it! – I’m particular about how I read as well. I prefer physical books over reading on my phone or a kindle –and it’s something about the smell of a book– since I love to read so much I decided to create a space in my house that I could read.

So for 2018, I’m in the process of converting a corner in my bedroom into a reading nook. I’m getting a big comfy chair, pillows, and a comfy blanket, light, the whole 9. I will be sure to keep you guys updated.

  1. Yoga and Exercise

Yoga and meditation go hand in hand. Practicing meditation is a part of yoga, which is why every session ends in a 10 minute meditation-but don’t you leave feeling relaxed and refreshed?!-

Exercising is just great for you period. –Do I really need to tell you all the benefits from exercising? – I will say I like to end a great workout in the sauna for 15-20 mins. If you have asthma like myself this helps your lungs after an intense workout. The sauna is great for colds/sinus as well. I also like to put a deep conditioner in my hair and sit in the sauna-yes with my bag on my head daring anyone to say anything! – But it’s so good for your hair and really helps the product work.

  1. Nature

Hitting the gym is great but I prefer to run outside. Something about physically being able to see how far I’ve actually ran and see nature rather than the person’s butt in front of me or smelling that sweaty gym smell- you know what I’m talking about! – A walk in the park, a hike, walk a trail, ponder life at a stream, or bicycling around the city, fresh air is definitely another good way to clear your mind, focus on your thoughts, and gain some clarity.

  1. Spa Day

Specifically a at home spa day- because we ballas on a budget over here! – I believe pampering yourself is essential. Manicures, pedicures, body butters, massage oils, massages, eyebrow threading, waxes, I need all of that. ALL. OF. THAT.

I do have a nail tech that I go to for my nails– shout out to Venus K. at Nail Lounge in the Boro! She keeps my nail in check- I also hit up the European Wax Center in Brentwood for any waxing I get done. Other than that I mainly do everything else myself. Yes that’s right, I have learned how to do my eyebrows and my own pedicures, every now and again if I’m feeling fancy I may go and get a pedicure done but I never let anyone touch my brows!!- I had 1 bad brow experience, learned my lesson, and taught myself!-

When I was younger I constantly made everyone in the house mad because I was a bathroom hog! I loved taking long hot bubble baths and listening to music- and you know singing along to all the songs- unfortunately we lived in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house sooooo naturally if I was in the bathroom for hours on end no one else could use the bathroom –muahahahaha- As I got older and busier, I settled for hot showers over baths and occasionally took bubble baths. This year I am bringing them back! the goal is for 1 to 2 nights out of the week dedicated to a night of relaxation. A glass bottle of wine –or cherry juice– candle lit bubble baths with neo-soul radio station. –I mean how could you not?!?!

  1. Therapy and Journaling

In case you haven’t notice blogging is kind of like a therapy for me. Of course it’s condensed but none the less. Therapy helps me work through my problems the best. It’s a nonbiased opinion. My therapist suggested journaling because I have a hard time with my thoughts as far as tracking them or remember certain things especially if my anxiety has kicked up.

Thinking about something isn’t enough for me I have to get it out, write it down, and say it out loud, let my thoughts flow until I can figure it out or work through it. The longer it stays in the more it festers, the more toxic it becomes… –let that shit out

Boundaries, self affirmations, living stress free, and protecting your peace of mind are so vital in the day and age. How someone treats you is what you allow and no one will treat you better than you treat yourself! Make sure you are at the top of your list because like I said you can’t take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself. So be selfish with you, your energy, your time, your attention.

What are some things you do for self care? Let’s talk about it!

Oh wait before you go, I have updated my closet on Poshmark and dropped some prices, you can download the app here and shop my closet- @lilvee08 or you can click the link on my home page titled “shop my closet”

Until next time!

XOXO

Over-Thinking

Hello, my name is Veronica and I’m an over-thinker. I haven’t always been this way or maybe I have and I’m just now fully aware of it. I find if I am having a PMDD (which you can read about HERE) episode my over –thinking can kick into high gear or during times of high stress I can find myself questioning everything.img_7440

In this blog, I am going to be talking about ways I have learned to deal with my over-thinking- which I have now accepted as a part of me

It wasn’t easy getting to this point, honestly still a work in progress. Here are the things I have found help me the best.

1. You have to learn to be ok with questions you’ll never get the answers to.

This one was a big one for me, especially during a period of rejection or dating. I’m constantly trying to figure the situation out. Beat the game before it can beat me, but life doesn’t work that way. I had to learn to let it flow, be present in the moment, and let it work itself out – I recently learned this lesson by causing myself all this confusion by over-thinking the situation when the answer was simple, I don’t need all the answers let it flow naturally, but hey I’m only human– I tend to ask questions to the point of insanity for some people.  I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that I’m not the person you take to the movies, I know we are both seeing the movie for the first time; however, I will ask questions. I ask questions even if it’s a movie I have already seen.- It’s pretty ridiculous.- I like to know things fully before I give all of my attention to it, which I find to be a positive thing, but rather than being present in the moment and letting it flow, ill question it to death.  I’m learning to silence the thoughts by practicing mindful thoughts and countering them with positive thoughts-not saying my thoughts/questions are negative, but they can drive me to the point of insanity.

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2. You will have to work hard to change your thinking

This was also another gem I recently discovered. Your thoughts control your actions and reactions to situations and the way you perceive things. Over-thinking can make you think things are one way when they aren’t and vice versa. I’m a Libra, so I try to see situations from all sides. I try to put myself in the shoes of others and see things from their perspective. Sometimes this creates more questions because I can also see it from my perspective. I can literally flood my mind with thoughts and it’s not even that deep. In times where I’m dealing with rejection or some sort of “loss”, if you will, I have to constantly train my mind to go from over analyzing to words of positive affirmations, because I can be my own worst critic.-but hey aren’t we all?

img_72743.Write it out!

Rapping, writing, poetry, song writing, listen whatever form you have to use to work it out use it! Journaling for the win “What you reveal, you heal”-Jay Z (and some others I’m sure) but it’s true. How can you heal from something if you’re not willing to reveal it? Not reveal it in the sense that you have to declare it to the world, but to yourself. Sometimes we will deny our own truths or suppress them thinking that if we ignore them we’ll get over them. –Boy are you wrong– all you’re doing is giving it power to fester. Would you get shot and not have it checked out? Would you find out you have cancer and just ignore it thinking it’ll go away if you act like it’s not there? No. So why would you deal with your problems like that?! Therapy works, but if you really don’t want to share express it some way, better out than in.

4. Distract yourself

Constantly over thinking, over analyzing, dwelling is not healthy for the mind, clear it out and focus that energy on self. In times of rejections, break-ups, self doubts, and life’s little curve balls will throw over-thinkers, like myself, into overdrive. We are determined to figure out why? What happened? How can I fix this? What can I learn from this? How can I make this better or change it to my favor? The answer is simple: you don’t.  Let’s circle back to #1, You have to accept that you don’t have all the answers. You HAVE to let it flow.  How does an over-thinker let it flow? Starve that part that you’re dwelling over, distract yourself. Something I learned from baseball, when the pitcher is getting ready to throw the ball he focuses on where he wants the ball to go, he feels the energy flow through ball, he twist it in his hands, gets it ready to throw, and just before he gets into motion he looks away. There’s a study that says for perfect work productivity you work 52 mins and walk away for 17 mins. You have to stop thinking about it, to think about it. –Crazy I know– I have found that I have figured more out while not thinking about it than I did overt-thinking it. I have found that by distracting myself with meditation, yoga, getting outdoors –because I work 24/7 365, its very important to stop and get fresh air– dance, reading, working on my craft, music, coloring- yes this helps– exercising, and becoming my best self has helped me more than constantly mulling over a situation. Once I find myself completely distracted I somehow have an “ah ha” moment.img_7463

5.Appreciate the “ah ha” moments

Sometimes you have to go through it to grow through.  That last sentence was an “ah ha” moment within its self. Be careful with the “ah ha” moments. Sometimes they can throw you back into thinking about a situation. “Ah Ha” moments are beautiful when they happen. They make you appreciate everything you went through to get to that moment. More so because it allows you to finally see why you had to go through that situation. Leveling up, struggle moments, moments you feel like you’re being tested, they mean something in the long run. It’s important to appreciate them for what they are, but don’t let them drive you back down the road of questioning everything.

These 5 tips have helped me tremendously, but like I said before definitely a work in progress. This is probably something I will always have to work on, learning to be quite and realize I don’t need the all the answers especially because time reveals all.1000_mean-girls-try-new-thing

Are you an over-thinker? Comment below some of the things that help you be still in calm your mind. Let’s talk about it!

Until next time

XOXO

 

 

Write it Out

Why do we as humans suffer in silence? We all act like we have to walk around like everything is fine 100% of the time. I believe this is why suicide rates are so high. Mostly because we as humans care about what other people think. –yes you too Linda stop trying to act like you don’t!– whether it’s your man, your crush, your friends, strangers, we all like to put on this front like we have it all together when actually I know not 1 person that has a “perfect” life –can we pause on that what is perfect? What is normal? These are both terms that only you can define for yourself, but I digresschristina-nothings-normal

We all want to put on this facade instead of reaching out or being afraid to admit we’re hurt. –hello social mediaBabyishImperturbableKiwi-max-1mb

 

I asked a question on my Facebook “Which is worse pretending like we don’t care or wearing your heart on your sleeve?”

 

Overwhelmingly, everyone agreed that pretending like we don’t care was worse. I can’t say I’m not surprised by this answer, but I am surprised that we still act the opposite.

I’ve been talking a lot about being open -you guys this shit is probably the hardest thing emotionally I’ve done, but here I am and here we go– I thought by being open and allowing the universe to bring positive vibes I would reap great rewards-foolish girl– vulnerability is hard. Transparency is hard. You’re opening yourself up and saying to a person this is truly who I am, like me or leave me. Most will leave you, some will like you, you just never know what you’re going to get.BimvZCQnvB8x

The tricky part is when you really care for someone and you trust them with your feelings and you show them and they leave you. Now you out here wide open left with all these feelings and emotions and nowhere to put them and you regret being open. There’s beauty in the pain. It hurts, but there’s beauty in knowing that at least you laid it out there. Now what do you do with all these emotions and feelings? There’s no suitcase to pack them in and store for later!

I am a natural writer. The notes on my Iphone are so full because I literally found I have to write everything down in my head so that I don’t feel so cluttered. –and also so I don’t forget an idea– I found what works best for me is to write letters.

 

Sometimes you have to write them letters they will never receive.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to say the words they are never going to hear.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to tell them how you feel even if they are never going to feel it.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

 

We are like vaults. We unconsciously hold things inside and carry it around never putting it into the universe. That’s a toxic way to live don’t you think?

When I began my journey on being open, I really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Boy I had no idea what I was manifesting. But I was harboring some deep shit! Here’s the first lesson I learned immediately upon turning 28, you can’t “be open” and hold it in. It doesn’t work like that.- Now, as I’m typing this I’m sure somewhere on my page is a blog where I’m telling you how to really know if you’re over a situation. I should re-label that how you THINK you know you’re over a situation lol.- 28 was brought in with some big ol crocodile tears, and not for such the joyous occasion it should be, but for the letting go I so desperately needed to do.

 

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Here’s the thing, how do you let go? I think that looks different for everybody. I would love to tell you how to figure it out, but up until right before I typed this blog I thought I had let it go and figured it out, but guess what?! You know nothing Jon Snow! I figured the best way at that moment- and to stop the tears– was to work through it. As I stared out my window sobbing and talking to the universe and God, I decided to write. I decided to write letters. I tried to pinpoint exactly what or who these tears were for and I wrote to them- honest, no sugar coating, letters-.

I wrote them letters I never plan for them to see. Something about seeing it on paper cleansed my spirit. Now, I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I felt 100% better. The more I wrote the harder I cried because some of the letters I wrote required an action I wasn’t prepared for; letting go. I needed to remove some people from my life. Not because their bad people and they were hurting me, but because I loved them. They say if you love something you’ve got to let it go and if comes back then it means so much more… but if it never comes at least you know it was something you had to hold on to grow. I always thought letting go meant it had to be toxic, but sometimes letting go means love, the best kind of love you can give is setting someone free.

pk3h2GdElEexNow after the letters were written and the tears have dried, I took all that energy, love, and time into me. –yes girl right back into myself. – Because no one can love me better than me! When I started this journey and 28 was approaching, the year felt different. –again this is my magical year I feel it- I am changing and with that change comes getting to know myself just a little better. I am being prepared.-remember positive vibes only!

What are some things you do to let go?

And when you do what are some things you do with the left over energy?

Let me know in the comments below!

Until Next Time

XOXO

Chapter 28: Be Open

CaptureIt’s my birthday! A year of growth behind me and a new year of learning experiences ahead of me! I’m so excited to go in this journey. I always thought 28 was my mystical magical number. When I was younger it was the number I said I would keep forever whenever I was asked my age-true story– I feel like at 28 you know yourself now more than ever in your 20s. –Let me explain– in my experience my 20s have been nothing but one learning lesson after the other. It has been a struggllllleeee girl! I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted to be or do, I felt like for the most part, my 20s was this big black hole of not knowing. Add to that making huge mistakes and having to learn to deal with them. My 20s was pretty much like just figure it out. I wouldn’t change any of it though because everything led to this beautiful point: self awareness.grow-up

What a beautiful thing it is to actually know one’s self, to be confident in who you are, to proudly say this is who I am, like it or leave it I really don’t care either way! I know what I want to accomplish-might not know how to get there but at least I have purpose, right? – I know what I will and won’t accept from life, I just know! Boom that’s it. For so long it felt like I was walking through a dark hallway, no direction just literally figuring it out as it came to me- it’s a horrible feeling, but maybe it’s necessary-

“Rock Bottom is the solid Foundation on which I Built my life.”

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Shit just got real

25 was a rock bottom year, I spoke about this in a past blog, but never really felt comfortable talking about everything I was going through.-however if you’re a loyal reader, then you know I was in a dark place-. I suffered the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of a friendship that I loved dearly, and the loss of financial freedom by having to file bankruptcy. 25 was hard,  a lot of pain and tears. Most days were a struggle to make it out of the bed, but thank God for family.

giphy (1)26 was a faking it till you make it year. 26 I literally picked myself up and started to figure it out. I made affirmations and goals. I planned for things I wanted to accomplish, I found my purpose. 26 seemed to go by very quickly. It was definitely a transition year.

27 was letting it all go and working on a foundation again. 27 taught me a lot of things. I call 27 my year of rebuilding. Now that I knew my purpose I began to work really hard at it and made strides. I also really began to understand myself. I feel like before 25 I had this idea of who I was, but I didn’t really know or to be clearer I had this idea of how I wanted the world to perceive me but I didn’t really know who I was. I feel like everything that happened after 25 got me to this point of knowing who I am, what hurts me, what angers me, what energy I wanted to entertain, and what kind of man I desire to have in my life.

Now that I’m moving closer to my 30s, I feel like I’m moving toward my best life. So often I hear people say that your 30s are the best time of your life and I’m inclined to believe them simply based of the feeling I have about moving into 28. I can see the light appearing in the tunnel getting brighter. It’s not full rainbows and sunshine but it’s not all darkness anymore either.

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I always give my birthday a theme. Be Open.

I watched a movie called ‘Love by the 10th date’. It was one of those lifetime movies where its cheesy and predictable, but it got me to look into my own life and I realized that I’m very open minded but I’m not a very open person. If something doesn’t appear how I think it should or doesn’t meet my expectations, initially, I shut it down. I’m especially bad at this when it comes to relationships, or just getting to know someone. I don’t know how to just have fun and enjoy the ride. I’m either all the way turned off or all the way ready to jump in-I hate being in the gray! Watching this movie I had an “ah ha” moment –hell typing this paragraph I had an “ah ha” moment- this is all a self defense mechanism. Rather than letting myself experience it, I try to figure out a way to protect myself before it can even go wrong by finding something wrong- and chile that’s just not living! – Or I get incredibly invested way too soon and scare the person away- in my defense though it’s incredibly rare if you can actually get me to like you!-

I’m not just applying this to my dating life, but in all aspects. I want to be open to all this beautiful universe has to offer me. Positive vibes only though!

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What are some things you find yourself closed off to? What o you feel you could be more open to? Let’s talk in the comments below!

Until time!

XOXO

 

Is Fear Driving You?

Hey there! If you’re new to the blog, Welcome! If you are returning because you just can’t get enough, I’m sure you have noticed some major changes. Initially, when I started this blog, I did it for the love of writing and sharing my thoughts because I wanted to make connections and hopefully what I was sharing was reaching someone and it helped- that’s what life is about right?- but I found myself holding back and not being as transparent as I wanted to be. I also didn’t like my house (blog site) it needed a major facelift and feel more like me- which was really important to me if I was going to take this huge leap with being more transparent, I had to feel comfortable in my space.

It was because of those reasons above that I hit a block. I wasn’t motivated to write anymore. So, I started this long process of really investing in myself.Aristotle-quote.3

I was also in a place in my life where I thought I knew who I was and everything changed, evolved, if you will. I could always see this spark inside me just waiting to burn brighter, but I wasn’t sure how to unlock it. I’ve been taking acting classes –which I recommend to anyone even if you don’t aspire to act, it’s seriously like a class on just being the best version of yourself–  it’s really helped me learn more about myself and my emotions. I saw that spark starting to grow into a fire. Now, acting is a passion of mine so this could be me feeding my passion, but once this spark started growing all these ideas started flowing in my head. So much so that I had to start carrying around a note book to keep up with them!

I always had a pretty good idea of who I was just from the perception other people had put on me, but was that who I really was? I also felt like I was pouring all these emotions out, but I was empty. And I couldn’t give what I really wanted to because I was very empty. Not saying that anything I was doing was inauthentic, but it was just the surface.

At job interviews, there’s always that one question they ask, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I would always give some bullshit answer because I needed the job. While going through this growth, I went on a job interview and was asked that exact question; I started to give my prepared, generic, best basic answer, and realized this is not what I want to do.  Even in my daily job, I began to see this is not where I see myself retiring. I realized I had a very clear vision of the life I wanted and I was deliberately avoiding it. Which is funny because the thing that made me happy was hard so I avoided it, but the thing that was bringing me misery I was doing every day and complaining about it

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– like oh no baby what is you doing?!?!-

I always thought if you were living in your purpose and doing what you were called to do it would come naturally and be easy. Everything would make sense, doors would open, and it would be like why haven’t you been doing this all along?! WRONG! I have said in previous blogs that I had a very crystal clear vision of what my purpose was and I took steps to walk in that purpose. When I initially started walking in my purpose I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, I was super uncomfortable, and I felt like I was in way over my head. Nothing was coming easy, not all doors opened and everything felt so unnatural. I struggled A LOT and my self doubt kicked in to overdrive. So much so that I thought about quitting. I thought I’m not cut out for this, maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. The moment I thought about giving up I was overwhelmed with tears and I was depressed.  My mother told me, if that could make me this upset I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. God- or whatever/whoever you believe in– will test you, he will shake the ground, make it steady, then test you again. It’s up to you how you want to take the test. Oh the irony of this conversation! Earlier that day, I had a very open conversation with my coach. She also told me that the universe – or God– is trying to push me in a direction that I’m trying my damnedness to ignore because its difficult and hard and I don’t want to do the work. But she also told me that I had a lot of potential and that if I do the work I would be the person I’m so desperately trying to avoid.

Why do we avoid becoming who we are destined to be? That’s the story line for every great character right? They spend the whole movie avoiding their destiny and when they finally tap into it the world opens in ways they couldn’t have possibly imagined. If the end is going to turn out that way every time, why do we do our damnedness to avoid it? Maybe because we feel we are inadequate? Maybe because we don’t really believe in who we are? Maybe because somewhere along the way the world told us we weren’t special enough. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to change our way of thinking!

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So guys this it me. Unapologetically me, promising not let your perception be my reality, and to be my best authentic self every day.  Promising to change the way I view myself and start believing more in me,- because I’m a pretty awesome person. Promising to not let the negativity of the world into my soul and tear me down, or tell me what I should or shouldn’t be, or how I should or shouldn’t act, or control who I am and what I believe. I will be still in my moments and have joy every day. This isn’t a new me, this is just a version of me without fear driving the bus!

So is fear driving your bus and if so, are your ready to take the wheel?

Until next time guys!

XOXO,

LilSis

Happy Mother’s Day!

With today being Mother’s day, I wanted to take this time to tell my mother how much I appreciate everything she does.

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BUT, I can tell you better than I can write it , so click the link → HERE ←and check out what I have to say!

Also, I’m curious to see if you guys are interested in seeing more or less videos so comment here, or on Youtube and let me know!

 

Until next time!

XOXO

What About Your Friends?…

Good friends are hard to come by. Much like a good man you have to go through some rotten ones to truly appreciate the good ones. I’ve had my share of the one you grow up with and grow apart. The ones you thought you knew, but didn’t really know at all, and the absolute worst-like how did we even start a friendship???

Let me give you a few scenarios…

I’ve had best friends get their other friend a date with a dude who I had a bad break up from, that heart ache break-girl code, Heifa you TRIED it.tumblr_miwal6Pjoy1qfpilno1_500

I’ve had friends accidentally send me texts messages talking about me- gots to be more careful.

The hoe friend that every male assumes you must be a hoe too since y’all are friends and damn near sexual assaults you so you explain to your friend that it’s time to go but she wants to be a hoe so you have to find your own way home… In a strange city… That you barely know…imageswe

I’ve had friends pretend to be my friend just to make a mutual friend feel comfortable around her friends – * insert eye roll*imagesx
Then there was the friends that drop you cold turkey just quit calling, no txt, girl you messed up in someway and its to the point that I don’t even want to repair the friendship or tell you what you did wrong. Want to repair things….imagesasdf

And the ever so classic, friend that tells you no matter what, no matter who, nothing and no one will ever stop us from being friends… Then they meet someone fall in love, and their lover don’t like you and they change tunes and flip the script real quick. *New number, who this? *b43d16fa913797ee9d6775f5f87d64c7

Chile you name it I had it as a so-called friend. Keep in mind this over the course of high school through college. Friends are literally trial and error. And I always have a hard time choosing ‘em!

I always wished I was that girl with the tight click of friends, like sex and the city. A friendship takes just as much energy and time as a relationship these days. And who has time for that right?

giphyI’m a fighter for stuff I care for- a lil too caring-. If I consider you my friend, I’ll go to hell and back for you. Friendship is something I consider special and sacred. If I see a friendship dying or nasty energy around it, I try to do everything I can to save it, or end on a good note – I need that closure, but trust I can move on without it-

I’m sure right about now-if not already- you’re asking yourself “does this chick have any friends?” Why yes, yes I do!

boom tamarThe group – if your around my age it’s probably a very small group- of girls I’m lucky enough to call my friends I’m so appreciative of! I don’t have to talk to them everyday-in some cases years go by- but we can pick up right where we left off. I’m the Godmother to their children, I’m the auntie they are unaware they have-most of them are too young to realize what an aunt is lol-
I say all of this to say, it’s no easy feat to find those true friends, but it’s so worth it. And if you’re someone who found those friends without having to go thru the bad ones consider yourself BLESSED!

Comment below your “friend” story. id love to hear ’em!

Compromise.

tumblr_mgoqj0UNbR1r92a16o1_500I’ve never understood how people could always be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong I used to yearn to be in one, understandably so, who wants to be alone? How could you be in a relationship and never spent time with yourself? The older I get, the time I spend getting to know who I am, what I want , what I like and dislike and being comfortable and loving who I am; I wouldn’t trade for the world.

dfbI won’t compromise who I am for someone else. You cannot ask me to change who I am for you. to love someone is to accept all of them and give the same respect in return. They may not agree with or understand it, but they have to accept me as I am.

A certain maturity level is required. I never understood how you can feel a certain way about your significant others past. Past relationships, past situationships, past jumpoffs, and friendships, if those people are not a threat to your relationship and they were before you, why are you in your feelings about it? Especially if it’s a friendship. If that friend is not being disrespectful to the friendship how can you ask them to drop their friend like a bad habit? And shame to the person that does it. To me that speaks volumes about your insecurities and ya’ll got deeper issues that need to be worked out. Be confident in who your with.

carrie-sex-and-the-cityNow I understand I’m single – thank the lord- because it’s going to take a strong minded man to break this streak! You have to be pretty undeniable for me to lose focus on myself. Let’s be clear, a potential is not competing with other potentials, no no, you are competing with me! I’m focused man!!!!! You got to get me to do a double take at you, and trust me, that’s quite a task.
Now I may be a bit of a late bloomer, but it took me a while to be confident and secure in who I am. To be me; unapologetically. I think that is the MOST important thing to be walking into a relationship. Know you first boo boo, and then go get your man!

The Blacker The Berry…

black is be    Growing up we are all self conscience of something. Some of these things we eventual grow out of and some things we hold on to. We may bury it and carry it with us wherever we go, or we choose to let it out and try to overcome it and work through it. I wrote a blog not too long ago titled flaws and all- if you haven’t, stop reading and go check that blog out.- I talk about how my flaws are my beauty. It’s what makes me unique; it’s what makes me different. What I failed to mention was the flaw that took me the longest to overcome.

I love who I am. It took me so long to become comfortable and unapologetic with whom I am. It also took me a long time to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be and who I aspired to become. We all go through situations that shape and mold us to whom we are presently and who we will become. My main purpose was to talk about those situations that may be difficult to talk about, but people could relate to. To use my voice to expose deep issue that we I go through in life. I’ve been through a lot. More than meets the eye. To understand it we have to go to the beginning.

beautiful“Being a dark skinned black girl is a part of me. It’s something that I can never change, but I always wanted to.

I grew up in a neighborhood where it wasn’t exactly the hood, but it wasn’t middle class either. It was where they would put the elderly or disabled and every now and again, if you were lucky enough, they would place the people who didn’t seem like “hood rats”. Every now and again a select few slipped through the cracks. For the most part, it was a quiet neighborhood, but it was still the hood.

I went to a predominately white school. Sometimes I would be the only black kid in the class. If I got lucky there would be two of us, but I would be the only one that was aware.- I was very much aware that I came from a different background.-

My grandmother and mother always made it a point to teach me and my brother how to be proper, to have manners, and to never be a product of your environment. –be of the world, but not in it.

This made the kids in my neighborhood treat me as an outsider. Not only did I carry myself like I was above the hood, but I was pretty …for a dark-skinned girl. It’s funny; I always thought that phrase was a compliment. For a dark-skinned girl. Like the color of my skin somehow tarnished my beauty. Like I was less than. Like lighter skin was inferior to mine. The color of my skin somehow made me the scum. I was the blackest, or the darkest they had seen, so I must be the lowest of individuals. Forget my intellect, or my wisdom, or even my contributions to the world. Forget my degrees, my etiquette, or my beauty. No I’m dark skinned, I am not worthy of such status or accomplishments or education.

6a7d11960e9bb92d83727a4ecc737f24The white kids from school they accepted me until they became aware. I remember it like yesterday. It was my birthday and like any little girl in elementary school, I wanted to have a big birthday party and a sleepover. My mother worked her ass off to make sure I had it. After the party was over it was time to go back to my house for the sleepover. It was me and my 3 best friends, who all happened to be white.

In my neighborhood all the houses looked the exact same. Red brick one the outside with heavy metal doors. The inside had cylinder bricking all painted ivory. My mother was a great decorated, one of her many trades, and she always had the places hooked up. You never felt like you were in project housing when you were in our house, at least if you were from there.

My friends noticed right away. They each one by one started to feel scared. Before night fell they had each called their parents to pick them up, some even crying.

I hated myself even more. I began even harder to conform, to blend in, and to fit in. I knew if I could just get rid of my dark skin that they would love me.

it-isnt-a-matter-of-black-is-beautiful-as-much-as-it-is-white-is-not-all-thats-beautiful-quote-1The teachers picked on me. And when my mother would have my classes moved, the teachers would talk to each other and it would get even worse. My mother eventually withdrew me from the school and I went to stay in Texas with my grandmother.

This school was more diverse. My teacher was a young petite lady. My best friend was Asian and I wasn’t the only black kid in class, in fact if memory serves me right there were more black kids than white.

The kids there didn’t care about your skin color. I loved it there. I began to discover who I was beyond my skin color.

My days there were numbered. My grandmother could no longer care for me, she had a lot going on and was about to move to go back to school for another degree. I hated to leave. I felt so free there. It felt like where I should be.

When I came back home I had a “take no shit from no one” attitude. I went back to the same school with the same issues as a different person. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind for fear I wouldn’t be accepted. My new best friend was black, and he was unapologetically black. He helped me develop what my mom liked to call “the black girl attitude.” I was going to need it; the next chapter of my life was middle school and if I thought things were bad before. Well they were about to get worse.”

naturalblackwomanThats from something special I’m working on. Looking back now, I wish I would’ve told myself you are fine, you are beautiful, your black is beautiful! I wish I would’ve loved myself more. And realized that God knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to make me dark-skinned. I wish I could have told myself its them not me. I wish I could’ve learned sooner that its ok not to fit in and to stand out means more than I could ever know. I wish I would’ve realized sooner that the whole world would be trying to obtain this coco butter brown skin. I wish I had a crystal ball that I could see this day and age trying to obtain all the features I was naturally born with.

I’m glad I know now. I’m proud to wake up every morning and have this gorgeous shade of brown skin. And I hope anyone reading this knows too. We were not made to be put in a box and considered the same. We were not made to feel inferior to others. We were not made to conform.

We were made beautifully flawed. We were made beautifully

#BlackLivesMatter                                #MyBlackIsBeautiful5dc2d0c77ba94b147ae8a55df7b5d743
P.S Go check out my last video –
The Downside to Social Media

P.S.S go check the video out for this blog here! The Blacker the Berry