Time for a Change

tenor

So lately in my community of people we’ve all had this theme in our lives where we feel lost, but we know where we are going. We arent exactly sure how to get there or if we should keep straight or turn left or right, but we know whatever we choose we’ll be ok. We’ll get to where we need to be.

I’ve been staying that course almost all year.  I’ve been purging. I feel almost like I’m shedding skin. I don’t know if it’s because ya girl is knocking on 30s door or what, but I’ve been in the spirit of “this shit has gotta go” and so it’s been going. However, lately I had been feeling cramped and cluttered even though I had purged everything I thought I possibly could. I just wasn’t happy. Now, as a Libra it’s in our nature to be indecisive, but I literally couldn’t make a damn decision. I was supposed to be finalizing birthday plans that I just couldn’t decide on. I’ve been going back and forth on things that should’ve be a piece of cake to decide on.  I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I was on my way to do something I had absolutely no business doing. As I was driving I just thought “why do I keep allowing this? Why am I acting like a passenger when I’m clearly in the driver’s seat???” -Now I will say what I was on my way to do influence this sudden revelation.- It was my “ah ha” moment. It was the push of anger I needed.

meditate-01-giphy_0I swiftly turned around and went home. While sitting in my driveway –where I do some of my best thinking– I decided to delete social media. Usually when I take a break, I just put the apps in a folder and put them on a page by themselves, but during my break I may cheat and look. This time I straight deleted the apps. No cheating. I honestly was tired of reading y’all opinions and thoughts. It’s some of the best peace I’ve had in a while. I honestly thought I would miss it, but nope. Not at all.

Around the 5/6 day of my break I decided to clean my dream/goal journal out and rewrite my notes so they were more organized and I discovered I’ve been writing the same goals/dreams for years. Every year, same.fucking. goal. I went ahead with what I was doing, but this bothered me. That night while surfing YouTube I ran across what I like to call “adulting” videos; Financial and minimalist videos. Your typical ‘things I don’t buy’ or ‘10 ways you’re wasting your money’. All of these videos resonated with me because again I’ve been purging and feeling cluttered. The more I looked around the more I just saw…. stuff. Just a lot of stuff that I really don’t need/don’t use. I hold on to stuff people get me just cause I don’t want to feel bad for letting it go –when in fact they probably don’t remember gifting me it anyway– so the more I watched the more I became invested.

The next day I woke up in what my mom called a “Katie rage”. My grandmother, Katie, will get in these moods where everything has to change and change right then because she’s tired of saying it and she fusses and complains until it’s done. Whether it’s cleaning the house or redecorating it’s getting done TADAY! -yes that’s right, ta-day– Now I must add that I was sick with an upper respiratory infection so I had been off work during this social media break and I had a lot of time to sit with my thoughts. So that day I woke up with a clarity I haven’t had…. possibly ever? My mom and I purged, cleaned, and redecorated which I’m soooooooo happy with. I work from home so I have wanted my space to be nice, ascetically pleasing. I’ve been focusing on just my bedroom for a while, but it was a lot of stuff in my house that had been in my house since I moved out of my mother’s house which was… 7/8 years ago? I was just tired of looking at it. I literally threw what seemed like half the apartment away. Sa la vie! -la vie!-

943fbd8450531a4095b8fb1f05972b5883433736_hq

I will say my thoughts have been clear and focused, but I can’t seem to shut them off. I feel like I’m on a drug at times, but the results have been good so I’m kind of ok with it –lol-I won’t say I’m a minimalist. I dig the concept. I take some of their lifestyle and apply it to my own because we as Americans do over consume. Families in need probably wouldn’t be if some of us just learned that less is more. We don’t need a lot to survive. While I LOVE my closet –and awesome fashion sense wink wink lol- I don’t need all the clothes in my closet and could probably dress a whole 2/3 people and still be able to dress myself with my entire wardrobe. We really do live in excess. However I can’t let my closet go- even if I can’t wear half of it lol-, but I can control what I buy. Going for the structured quality items vs the fast fashion or getting Pyrex containers that are multipurpose vs. buying Tupperware. -environmentally better too

Maybe it was time for a lifestyle change, No no it was definitely time for a more adult lifestyle change. As I go into my 30s its time to let a lot of my old habits go. Those same habits can no longer serve me where I’m trying to go.

download

What are some things you could let go?

Lets talk about it!

XOXO

And remember

Don’t be bitter

Be better!

 

 

Write it Out

Why do we as humans suffer in silence? We all act like we have to walk around like everything is fine 100% of the time. I believe this is why suicide rates are so high. Mostly because we as humans care about what other people think. –yes you too Linda stop trying to act like you don’t!– whether it’s your man, your crush, your friends, strangers, we all like to put on this front like we have it all together when actually I know not 1 person that has a “perfect” life –can we pause on that what is perfect? What is normal? These are both terms that only you can define for yourself, but I digresschristina-nothings-normal

We all want to put on this facade instead of reaching out or being afraid to admit we’re hurt. –hello social mediaBabyishImperturbableKiwi-max-1mb

 

I asked a question on my Facebook “Which is worse pretending like we don’t care or wearing your heart on your sleeve?”

 

Overwhelmingly, everyone agreed that pretending like we don’t care was worse. I can’t say I’m not surprised by this answer, but I am surprised that we still act the opposite.

I’ve been talking a lot about being open -you guys this shit is probably the hardest thing emotionally I’ve done, but here I am and here we go– I thought by being open and allowing the universe to bring positive vibes I would reap great rewards-foolish girl– vulnerability is hard. Transparency is hard. You’re opening yourself up and saying to a person this is truly who I am, like me or leave me. Most will leave you, some will like you, you just never know what you’re going to get.BimvZCQnvB8x

The tricky part is when you really care for someone and you trust them with your feelings and you show them and they leave you. Now you out here wide open left with all these feelings and emotions and nowhere to put them and you regret being open. There’s beauty in the pain. It hurts, but there’s beauty in knowing that at least you laid it out there. Now what do you do with all these emotions and feelings? There’s no suitcase to pack them in and store for later!

I am a natural writer. The notes on my Iphone are so full because I literally found I have to write everything down in my head so that I don’t feel so cluttered. –and also so I don’t forget an idea– I found what works best for me is to write letters.

 

Sometimes you have to write them letters they will never receive.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to say the words they are never going to hear.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

Sometimes you need to tell them how you feel even if they are never going to feel it.

It’s not for them it’s for you.

 

We are like vaults. We unconsciously hold things inside and carry it around never putting it into the universe. That’s a toxic way to live don’t you think?

When I began my journey on being open, I really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Boy I had no idea what I was manifesting. But I was harboring some deep shit! Here’s the first lesson I learned immediately upon turning 28, you can’t “be open” and hold it in. It doesn’t work like that.- Now, as I’m typing this I’m sure somewhere on my page is a blog where I’m telling you how to really know if you’re over a situation. I should re-label that how you THINK you know you’re over a situation lol.- 28 was brought in with some big ol crocodile tears, and not for such the joyous occasion it should be, but for the letting go I so desperately needed to do.

 

giphy (4)

Here’s the thing, how do you let go? I think that looks different for everybody. I would love to tell you how to figure it out, but up until right before I typed this blog I thought I had let it go and figured it out, but guess what?! You know nothing Jon Snow! I figured the best way at that moment- and to stop the tears– was to work through it. As I stared out my window sobbing and talking to the universe and God, I decided to write. I decided to write letters. I tried to pinpoint exactly what or who these tears were for and I wrote to them- honest, no sugar coating, letters-.

I wrote them letters I never plan for them to see. Something about seeing it on paper cleansed my spirit. Now, I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I felt 100% better. The more I wrote the harder I cried because some of the letters I wrote required an action I wasn’t prepared for; letting go. I needed to remove some people from my life. Not because their bad people and they were hurting me, but because I loved them. They say if you love something you’ve got to let it go and if comes back then it means so much more… but if it never comes at least you know it was something you had to hold on to grow. I always thought letting go meant it had to be toxic, but sometimes letting go means love, the best kind of love you can give is setting someone free.

pk3h2GdElEexNow after the letters were written and the tears have dried, I took all that energy, love, and time into me. –yes girl right back into myself. – Because no one can love me better than me! When I started this journey and 28 was approaching, the year felt different. –again this is my magical year I feel it- I am changing and with that change comes getting to know myself just a little better. I am being prepared.-remember positive vibes only!

What are some things you do to let go?

And when you do what are some things you do with the left over energy?

Let me know in the comments below!

Until Next Time

XOXO

Chapter 28: Be Open

CaptureIt’s my birthday! A year of growth behind me and a new year of learning experiences ahead of me! I’m so excited to go in this journey. I always thought 28 was my mystical magical number. When I was younger it was the number I said I would keep forever whenever I was asked my age-true story– I feel like at 28 you know yourself now more than ever in your 20s. –Let me explain– in my experience my 20s have been nothing but one learning lesson after the other. It has been a struggllllleeee girl! I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted to be or do, I felt like for the most part, my 20s was this big black hole of not knowing. Add to that making huge mistakes and having to learn to deal with them. My 20s was pretty much like just figure it out. I wouldn’t change any of it though because everything led to this beautiful point: self awareness.grow-up

What a beautiful thing it is to actually know one’s self, to be confident in who you are, to proudly say this is who I am, like it or leave it I really don’t care either way! I know what I want to accomplish-might not know how to get there but at least I have purpose, right? – I know what I will and won’t accept from life, I just know! Boom that’s it. For so long it felt like I was walking through a dark hallway, no direction just literally figuring it out as it came to me- it’s a horrible feeling, but maybe it’s necessary-

“Rock Bottom is the solid Foundation on which I Built my life.”

qrE4K
Shit just got real

25 was a rock bottom year, I spoke about this in a past blog, but never really felt comfortable talking about everything I was going through.-however if you’re a loyal reader, then you know I was in a dark place-. I suffered the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of a friendship that I loved dearly, and the loss of financial freedom by having to file bankruptcy. 25 was hard,  a lot of pain and tears. Most days were a struggle to make it out of the bed, but thank God for family.

giphy (1)26 was a faking it till you make it year. 26 I literally picked myself up and started to figure it out. I made affirmations and goals. I planned for things I wanted to accomplish, I found my purpose. 26 seemed to go by very quickly. It was definitely a transition year.

27 was letting it all go and working on a foundation again. 27 taught me a lot of things. I call 27 my year of rebuilding. Now that I knew my purpose I began to work really hard at it and made strides. I also really began to understand myself. I feel like before 25 I had this idea of who I was, but I didn’t really know or to be clearer I had this idea of how I wanted the world to perceive me but I didn’t really know who I was. I feel like everything that happened after 25 got me to this point of knowing who I am, what hurts me, what angers me, what energy I wanted to entertain, and what kind of man I desire to have in my life.

Now that I’m moving closer to my 30s, I feel like I’m moving toward my best life. So often I hear people say that your 30s are the best time of your life and I’m inclined to believe them simply based of the feeling I have about moving into 28. I can see the light appearing in the tunnel getting brighter. It’s not full rainbows and sunshine but it’s not all darkness anymore either.

Capture1

I always give my birthday a theme. Be Open.

I watched a movie called ‘Love by the 10th date’. It was one of those lifetime movies where its cheesy and predictable, but it got me to look into my own life and I realized that I’m very open minded but I’m not a very open person. If something doesn’t appear how I think it should or doesn’t meet my expectations, initially, I shut it down. I’m especially bad at this when it comes to relationships, or just getting to know someone. I don’t know how to just have fun and enjoy the ride. I’m either all the way turned off or all the way ready to jump in-I hate being in the gray! Watching this movie I had an “ah ha” moment –hell typing this paragraph I had an “ah ha” moment- this is all a self defense mechanism. Rather than letting myself experience it, I try to figure out a way to protect myself before it can even go wrong by finding something wrong- and chile that’s just not living! – Or I get incredibly invested way too soon and scare the person away- in my defense though it’s incredibly rare if you can actually get me to like you!-

I’m not just applying this to my dating life, but in all aspects. I want to be open to all this beautiful universe has to offer me. Positive vibes only though!

tenor

 

What are some things you find yourself closed off to? What o you feel you could be more open to? Let’s talk in the comments below!

Until time!

XOXO

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

With today being Mother’s day, I wanted to take this time to tell my mother how much I appreciate everything she does.

img_9783img_0353  img_3212

BUT, I can tell you better than I can write it , so click the link → HERE ←and check out what I have to say!

Also, I’m curious to see if you guys are interested in seeing more or less videos so comment here, or on Youtube and let me know!

 

Until next time!

XOXO

What About Your Friends?…

Good friends are hard to come by. Much like a good man you have to go through some rotten ones to truly appreciate the good ones. I’ve had my share of the one you grow up with and grow apart. The ones you thought you knew, but didn’t really know at all, and the absolute worst-like how did we even start a friendship???

Let me give you a few scenarios…

I’ve had best friends get their other friend a date with a dude who I had a bad break up from, that heart ache break-girl code, Heifa you TRIED it.tumblr_miwal6Pjoy1qfpilno1_500

I’ve had friends accidentally send me texts messages talking about me- gots to be more careful.

The hoe friend that every male assumes you must be a hoe too since y’all are friends and damn near sexual assaults you so you explain to your friend that it’s time to go but she wants to be a hoe so you have to find your own way home… In a strange city… That you barely know…imageswe

I’ve had friends pretend to be my friend just to make a mutual friend feel comfortable around her friends – * insert eye roll*imagesx
Then there was the friends that drop you cold turkey just quit calling, no txt, girl you messed up in someway and its to the point that I don’t even want to repair the friendship or tell you what you did wrong. Want to repair things….imagesasdf

And the ever so classic, friend that tells you no matter what, no matter who, nothing and no one will ever stop us from being friends… Then they meet someone fall in love, and their lover don’t like you and they change tunes and flip the script real quick. *New number, who this? *b43d16fa913797ee9d6775f5f87d64c7

Chile you name it I had it as a so-called friend. Keep in mind this over the course of high school through college. Friends are literally trial and error. And I always have a hard time choosing ‘em!

I always wished I was that girl with the tight click of friends, like sex and the city. A friendship takes just as much energy and time as a relationship these days. And who has time for that right?

giphyI’m a fighter for stuff I care for- a lil too caring-. If I consider you my friend, I’ll go to hell and back for you. Friendship is something I consider special and sacred. If I see a friendship dying or nasty energy around it, I try to do everything I can to save it, or end on a good note – I need that closure, but trust I can move on without it-

I’m sure right about now-if not already- you’re asking yourself “does this chick have any friends?” Why yes, yes I do!

boom tamarThe group – if your around my age it’s probably a very small group- of girls I’m lucky enough to call my friends I’m so appreciative of! I don’t have to talk to them everyday-in some cases years go by- but we can pick up right where we left off. I’m the Godmother to their children, I’m the auntie they are unaware they have-most of them are too young to realize what an aunt is lol-
I say all of this to say, it’s no easy feat to find those true friends, but it’s so worth it. And if you’re someone who found those friends without having to go thru the bad ones consider yourself BLESSED!

Comment below your “friend” story. id love to hear ’em!

Compromise.

tumblr_mgoqj0UNbR1r92a16o1_500I’ve never understood how people could always be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong I used to yearn to be in one, understandably so, who wants to be alone? How could you be in a relationship and never spent time with yourself? The older I get, the time I spend getting to know who I am, what I want , what I like and dislike and being comfortable and loving who I am; I wouldn’t trade for the world.

dfbI won’t compromise who I am for someone else. You cannot ask me to change who I am for you. to love someone is to accept all of them and give the same respect in return. They may not agree with or understand it, but they have to accept me as I am.

A certain maturity level is required. I never understood how you can feel a certain way about your significant others past. Past relationships, past situationships, past jumpoffs, and friendships, if those people are not a threat to your relationship and they were before you, why are you in your feelings about it? Especially if it’s a friendship. If that friend is not being disrespectful to the friendship how can you ask them to drop their friend like a bad habit? And shame to the person that does it. To me that speaks volumes about your insecurities and ya’ll got deeper issues that need to be worked out. Be confident in who your with.

carrie-sex-and-the-cityNow I understand I’m single – thank the lord- because it’s going to take a strong minded man to break this streak! You have to be pretty undeniable for me to lose focus on myself. Let’s be clear, a potential is not competing with other potentials, no no, you are competing with me! I’m focused man!!!!! You got to get me to do a double take at you, and trust me, that’s quite a task.
Now I may be a bit of a late bloomer, but it took me a while to be confident and secure in who I am. To be me; unapologetically. I think that is the MOST important thing to be walking into a relationship. Know you first boo boo, and then go get your man!

Are You Over It?

Responsibility
There’s nothing worse-ok wait there’s a few things worse it can always be worse BUT- a huge pet peeve of mine are people who do not take care of their responsibility! As an adult that is a core principle. That is what being an adult is all about, taking care of responsibility! Now, it’s one thing to be struggling, but when you just flat out IGNORE it that is when I take issue. I say this to give a little insight into the real topic for this blog: Are You Over It?

201507_1924_hfbie_sm
Have you ever gone through a situation that you knew couldn’t be resolved , or you knew you weren’t going to get closure, or it wasn’t going to work in your favor so you had to let it go and give it to God- or whomever you believe in? Or so you thought yo
u gave it to God, but then when you see the person or the situation presents itself again you find yourself mad all over again? Let’s hit you with an example: let’s say you loaned someone some money and they haven’t paid you back, but give you valid reasons why they can’t pay. So you tell yourseIf to just let it go if they pay they pay, if they don’t they don’t but then you see them out spending money and suddenly you get mad all over again Cues BBHMM- Rhianna

b2206d7cb0954b9d38862d46ba6f5170Or you had an argument with a friend and instead of trying to make it right you just refused to talk to them?
That fact that you get upset shows that you’re clearly not over the situation. So how do you get over a situation that is out of your control that you KNOW is never going to work in your favor no matter how hard you try, pray or will it to? I am a person who likes resolve. I need confirmation. Even if I know it’s done and over with it, I need to hear you say it. I need that closure. I find it very childish to leave a situation without closing it; it also reflects upon what type of person you are.

 

imageskijhI was once told forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for you. Think of a relationship that had no resolve from it, now think if that person died right now, would you be happy with how the situation ended? Or was there more you could have done, but let your pride get in the way? Pride is a killer. People don’t like to put their pride aside because they think it’s a sign of weakness. Strength comes from being weak. Being vulnerable, open, and exposed shows a great deal of strength. Knowing when you are wrong and being strong enough to admit it is not weakness, it’s right. Besides would you be ok if someone treated you that way?

If you can make something right, simply (Wo)man up and do what needs to be done. If it works out, it works out, if it doesn’t at least you know you tried. Nothing ever came from not putting forth any effort.