Time for a Change

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So lately in my community of people we’ve all had this theme in our lives where we feel lost, but we know where we are going. We arent exactly sure how to get there or if we should keep straight or turn left or right, but we know whatever we choose we’ll be ok. We’ll get to where we need to be.

I’ve been staying that course almost all year.  I’ve been purging. I feel almost like I’m shedding skin. I don’t know if it’s because ya girl is knocking on 30s door or what, but I’ve been in the spirit of “this shit has gotta go” and so it’s been going. However, lately I had been feeling cramped and cluttered even though I had purged everything I thought I possibly could. I just wasn’t happy. Now, as a Libra it’s in our nature to be indecisive, but I literally couldn’t make a damn decision. I was supposed to be finalizing birthday plans that I just couldn’t decide on. I’ve been going back and forth on things that should’ve be a piece of cake to decide on.  I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I was on my way to do something I had absolutely no business doing. As I was driving I just thought “why do I keep allowing this? Why am I acting like a passenger when I’m clearly in the driver’s seat???” -Now I will say what I was on my way to do influence this sudden revelation.- It was my “ah ha” moment. It was the push of anger I needed.

meditate-01-giphy_0I swiftly turned around and went home. While sitting in my driveway –where I do some of my best thinking– I decided to delete social media. Usually when I take a break, I just put the apps in a folder and put them on a page by themselves, but during my break I may cheat and look. This time I straight deleted the apps. No cheating. I honestly was tired of reading y’all opinions and thoughts. It’s some of the best peace I’ve had in a while. I honestly thought I would miss it, but nope. Not at all.

Around the 5/6 day of my break I decided to clean my dream/goal journal out and rewrite my notes so they were more organized and I discovered I’ve been writing the same goals/dreams for years. Every year, same.fucking. goal. I went ahead with what I was doing, but this bothered me. That night while surfing YouTube I ran across what I like to call “adulting” videos; Financial and minimalist videos. Your typical ‘things I don’t buy’ or ‘10 ways you’re wasting your money’. All of these videos resonated with me because again I’ve been purging and feeling cluttered. The more I looked around the more I just saw…. stuff. Just a lot of stuff that I really don’t need/don’t use. I hold on to stuff people get me just cause I don’t want to feel bad for letting it go –when in fact they probably don’t remember gifting me it anyway– so the more I watched the more I became invested.

The next day I woke up in what my mom called a “Katie rage”. My grandmother, Katie, will get in these moods where everything has to change and change right then because she’s tired of saying it and she fusses and complains until it’s done. Whether it’s cleaning the house or redecorating it’s getting done TADAY! -yes that’s right, ta-day– Now I must add that I was sick with an upper respiratory infection so I had been off work during this social media break and I had a lot of time to sit with my thoughts. So that day I woke up with a clarity I haven’t had…. possibly ever? My mom and I purged, cleaned, and redecorated which I’m soooooooo happy with. I work from home so I have wanted my space to be nice, ascetically pleasing. I’ve been focusing on just my bedroom for a while, but it was a lot of stuff in my house that had been in my house since I moved out of my mother’s house which was… 7/8 years ago? I was just tired of looking at it. I literally threw what seemed like half the apartment away. Sa la vie! -la vie!-

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I will say my thoughts have been clear and focused, but I can’t seem to shut them off. I feel like I’m on a drug at times, but the results have been good so I’m kind of ok with it –lol-I won’t say I’m a minimalist. I dig the concept. I take some of their lifestyle and apply it to my own because we as Americans do over consume. Families in need probably wouldn’t be if some of us just learned that less is more. We don’t need a lot to survive. While I LOVE my closet –and awesome fashion sense wink wink lol- I don’t need all the clothes in my closet and could probably dress a whole 2/3 people and still be able to dress myself with my entire wardrobe. We really do live in excess. However I can’t let my closet go- even if I can’t wear half of it lol-, but I can control what I buy. Going for the structured quality items vs the fast fashion or getting Pyrex containers that are multipurpose vs. buying Tupperware. -environmentally better too

Maybe it was time for a lifestyle change, No no it was definitely time for a more adult lifestyle change. As I go into my 30s its time to let a lot of my old habits go. Those same habits can no longer serve me where I’m trying to go.

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What are some things you could let go?

Lets talk about it!

XOXO

And remember

Don’t be bitter

Be better!

 

 

Compromise.

tumblr_mgoqj0UNbR1r92a16o1_500I’ve never understood how people could always be in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong I used to yearn to be in one, understandably so, who wants to be alone? How could you be in a relationship and never spent time with yourself? The older I get, the time I spend getting to know who I am, what I want , what I like and dislike and being comfortable and loving who I am; I wouldn’t trade for the world.

dfbI won’t compromise who I am for someone else. You cannot ask me to change who I am for you. to love someone is to accept all of them and give the same respect in return. They may not agree with or understand it, but they have to accept me as I am.

A certain maturity level is required. I never understood how you can feel a certain way about your significant others past. Past relationships, past situationships, past jumpoffs, and friendships, if those people are not a threat to your relationship and they were before you, why are you in your feelings about it? Especially if it’s a friendship. If that friend is not being disrespectful to the friendship how can you ask them to drop their friend like a bad habit? And shame to the person that does it. To me that speaks volumes about your insecurities and ya’ll got deeper issues that need to be worked out. Be confident in who your with.

carrie-sex-and-the-cityNow I understand I’m single – thank the lord- because it’s going to take a strong minded man to break this streak! You have to be pretty undeniable for me to lose focus on myself. Let’s be clear, a potential is not competing with other potentials, no no, you are competing with me! I’m focused man!!!!! You got to get me to do a double take at you, and trust me, that’s quite a task.
Now I may be a bit of a late bloomer, but it took me a while to be confident and secure in who I am. To be me; unapologetically. I think that is the MOST important thing to be walking into a relationship. Know you first boo boo, and then go get your man!

It’s More Than PMS…

As many of you may have notice there was no video to follow the blog for last week. For that I apologize. I absolutely LOVE making the videos and giving a voice to my blog. However, for the past couple of weeks I had to take a break and for this week’s blog I wanted to shed some light on something that I have been privately dealing with for a few years now. Let me give you a back story.

—————-Disclaimer: males, this is about to get real personal Achem——————-
PMDD It's not Just PMS Orange Image_nAbout 2 years ago I was diagnosed with something called PMDD or Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. The best way to describe it is having the usual pms symptoms x10.

 

 

 

images (2)At the age of 18 I was recommended –like all sexually active adults- to take birth control. I hated taking pills so I opted for the Depo shot. While the first shot was pretty breezy, the second shot proved to be the complete opposite.- if you’ve never been on Depo you get a shot once every 3 months – My periods began to be very irregular, and very unpredictable. I gained about 40lbs. By the third shot, I decided to get off the shot the symptoms were too much for me and I was giving Vickie Secrets too much of my money!!!

Untitled-design-7I completely got off the shot and things only got worse. My body didn’t feel like mine anymore, I even sweated differently. About 2 years later, I began to develop cyst on my ovaries- which runs in my family, so we couldn’t be certain if the shot or just my genetics caused this– and my doctor put me back on birth control to help stop the formation of the cyst- because let’s be honest cyst pain is the worst! I wouldn’t wish that on my enemy– I started on the birth control pill Loestrin  – which my doctor said had the lowest dose of hormones in it– about 2 months into taking it I began to experience extreme mood swings, crying spells- yes I would burst into tears for no reason at all– panic attacks, depression/anxiety and extreme pelvic pain- non cyst related. That’s when I got my diagnosis and my doctor then put me on Celexa. I immediately felt relief with the first pill, followed by excessive yawning, muscle spasms and sleep walking. My doctor decided to switch my meds, but I had had enough. I decided to wean myself off and find a better healthier route to dealing with it.

It’s been 2 years since I got off the birth control and Celexa. I still have PMDD and it rears its head every now and then. I usually experience it 2 weeks before my cycle and 2 days after my cycle. I began to watch what I ate, tried to drink plenty of water- work in progress, Jesus make it taste like wine-took up yoga and light exercising. This helps with the cyst pain and the PMDD. If I’m feeling really bad, and I can tell I’m about to have a flare, I try to cry it out before it rears its head- take a hot bath, cry it out, comfy pjs and a classic rom com/drama and cry it out some more with a glass bottle of wine.

thingsnevertosaypmdd2I’ve felt more like myself now than I ever have since I began taking the birth control. When my PMDD does show up, however, it’s extreme. It usually last just a day but, is better with rest. I wake up in a funk –literally the devil reincarnate- and I usually stay to myself, which comes off to others as having an attitude, and I may have a crying spell or two.
I let one of managers know because it was affecting my work. I’m not sure if she was forgetful or just insensitive to it, but she began to make fun of me, call me bipolar or crazy, and tell me I needed to suck it up or get laid. I decided then I would never tell anyone else. I’ve kept this private because I was ashamed of it. I didn’t know anybody who was dealing with it. I didn’t want anybody to know that I suffer from something my own body causes me. And I definitely didn’t want to be labeled as crazy.

images (3)But, it’s ok to be dealing with it. I know people who have gone through depression and didn’t make it out. I know their suffering seems redundant over time, but it’s real to them. If you care about that person no matter how redundant it seems, just be there. I’m thankful I have a mother who will hold the phone and listen to me just cry if I need to. – I mean you the real MVP– never dismiss someone because their pain doesn’t seem real to you. Try to help and if you cant find them help!

Who Do You Love?

Valentines-Day-Chuck  As a single person with friends, married and in relationships, it looks as though it’s a long road. You begin to get questions such as when are you getting a man? You’re too pretty to be single? You must be lonely? And you even begin to question yourself, what’s wrong with me? I wish I had somebody to go here, why can’t I find a decent man? I too put myself in this boat.

pk3h2GdElEexThen something strange happened. I began to take the focus off of finding a man and put the focus on me. I began to find out who I was, what I wanted, and what made me happy.

What I eventually learned was that I like being single! -say what?- you read that right! I like having my space. I enjoy my peace and quiet. I like time to myself. I like getting to discover who I am and what I like and don’t like.

Don’t get me wrong every now and again it’s nice to experience those things with another. But I’m so invested in myself and the life I’m creating for me that it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to distract, attract me. I’m young and God willing I’ll live a long life and be able to experience that with the one God blesses me with, but for now I’m having fun. I’m investing in myself. And I must say I’m loving every minute of it!blogger-image-1106284924

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Take Care of yourself…Mentally.

depressionRecently events/circumstances have happened to me that have caused me to take a step back and deal with them. I completely checked out of my life for about 2 weeks. I’m still putting the pieces together and every day is getting easier but it’s still a struggle. I know you all are wondering what the heck happened?!? Well that topic, for personal reason, will remain off limits until I feel that I can handle sharing it with the whole world. For now, it’s my little secret that I have to fight every day to deal with. However, while dealing with my situation I was hit with some thoughts while reflecting on it.

Your circle.

Your crew6356558034411494231894482881_giphy-13, your homies, your friends. Nothing lets you know who is really there for you than going through a traumatic circumstance. For me, while going through any situation I feel alone, even though I know I am not. My circle and their faith in the lord really let me know that although I felt alone, I was not. The constant phone calls and texts I got was overwhelming, in a good way. It’s very important to build a good group of friends. I do have family and they support me very much -to the point where I could get by without having friends –lol- seriously my family is awesome. However, I don’t know where I would be without the support of my friends. To be able to go through this experience and knowing that many of them have been through it too was very comforting. It’s during these times in our lives you find out who’s about you and who’s still about you Drake voice. It’s also during these times you find out who is there not just for the benefit of you but for the benefit to you. Did you catch that? I truly believe those are the people God has aligned you with.

Dealing with it.

Any t3099_edbdraumatic situation/circumstance is going to be hard period. I know for some people they are able to put this mask up and pretend everything is ok until the work day/ or whatever it may be that you leave the house for. For me, however, there was no hiding it. It was simply easier for me to sit at home and cry rather than be a complete mess at work. Yes, there were some days where I would have to work and I would have to run to the bathroom and cry it out. Unfortunately, I’m not made out of money and I don’t have the luxury of working from home. Point I’m making is, its ok to feel like crap and completely check out. Remember not to stay there. That this too shall pass. Do not sink so low that you cannot see your way out. There is an end to everything.

Talk it out.acceptancehope_zps64ddeb95

Whether you have to talk to yourself, your dog, the wall, or talk to a friend-just make sure it’s someone who doesn’t mind you constantly talking about it to the point of insanity- trust and believe I wouldn’t
have gotten through any of it without being able to talk it out no matter if it was to a wall. It’s important to get the thoughts out. Write them down if you have to. Being bottled up is not healthy and trust me the bottle can only hold so much before it explodes.

Heal.

tumblr_nbo65koQNO1tjbfljo1_500Like I said before, everyday gets better but every day is still a struggle. It’s going to be. It’s a fact. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take your time. Time heals all wounds. However, time is the hardest thing to get through. Just keep busy. I would reflect from the time I got home all the way until went to bed. It’s important not to dwell, just reflect. If your religious this is the time I would talk to God. This is the time I would meditate. This is the time I would cry it out if I needed to. There’s no right way to heal, these are just the things I found helpful to me.

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I wrote this post in hopes that this would help someone, not to expose my life. If you’re grieving or going through a situation that you just don’t think you can handle, I guarantee you are not alone. There’s help! There is someone you can talk to- a super plus is you always have yourself, you might feel crazy at first, but the more you get it out the less crazy you feel- I hope these words find someone in need

Until next time….. live love.

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