Respect these F*cking Boundaries

The latter half of 2017 was really rough for me, personally, spiritually, and mentally.

Words I would use to describe it; reckless, passionate, irresponsible, wild, unhealthy, unrequited, challenging, contradicting, and confusing just to name a few.

Since turning 28 I feel like I am stepping from a woman to a grown ass woman and all the universe is pushing me towards something. –has anybody else had this feeling before? Usually when I hear people talk about this it’s at the 30 mark, but baby I’m telling you I feel different!?  943fbd8450531a4095b8fb1f05972b5883433736_hq

I’ve talked a lot about vulnerability, navigating and figuring out what worked best for me- and I’ve brought you guys along this journey as I figure it out– while doing some research, I came across some blogs that really brought some things into perspective. BOUNDARIES. Something that was so simple, yet very much needed. While figuring out being vulnerable I had to figure out what my limits are and what I will and won’t allow. Unfortunately, everything is trial and error and boy was it trial and error-and is still a work in progress– but ultimately it’s about knowing yourself and having standards.


Set the boundary, live the boundary, respect the fucking boundary. Boundaries teach people how to treat you. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that people will only treat you how you allow them to. Boundaries are not only important to have in your personal life, but in your dating and career life.


Having standards and boundaries while dating or in a relationship is very important. I’ve talked about my dating lifeor lack thereof– before and how I’ve never actually had a legit boyfriend, I think the last time I had one of those was 8th grade? Does that even count? NO! Every since this “talking” or “we not together but we know what it is” phase it seems that people are more interested in that rather than having an actual relationship- I can go deeper into this on another blog, but for now I digress– while in high school and a bit of college, I too, dabbled in it – it’s very convenient for that period of your life– but damnit after 25 if you’re still on that move far away from me. I’m at the point now where I want something real, someone I can grow, build, and explorer exclusively with – not knocking anyone that prefers to “talk” or “be together with no title” I just realize it’s not for me, it’s too confusing and way too many open questions for me and if you read my last blog that’s just asking for a panic attack I don’t have time for that, but to each its own right?-   I’ve been on a few dates in the past, but as I began to really analyze my dating life, I began to question do I really know how to date?suits_403_jeff_jessica_boundaries

Dating feels hard confusing not fun right now. I’m the single friend, so getting advice from my girlfriends that aren’t dating like me was hard, so naturally I looked for reading material and articles online. I have read The Conversation by Hill Harper before, but the details were a bit foggy to me. So I took the dust off the book and reread it. I instantly remembered why I loved the book so much. I even made notes and highlighted areas the first time I read it. –I read this book when I got out of my last “we not together but togetherrelationship– I also came across a blog post on XO Necole which came back to boundaries. I loved the idea of treating everybody of the opposite sex like a friend until it’s crystal clear that they want something more. I could go deeper into this, but honestly the post says everything I would say, take the time to read it if you have the chance. Between the book and the article, it definitely put things in perspective and gave me some things to keep in my arsenal when it comes to this dating game.


I’m always going to be very vocal about purpose and passion, I feel like I was dead before I found it. Its hard work when your purpose and passion don’t make you those coins to stay alive, however. I talked in a post about how unhappy I was in my job because the job itself is stressful and it was taking away from my purpose and passion, which I care deeply about.  I decided for my sanity to take a step back out of management–although it’s considered a promotion– but it’s just a simpler job and it offers me more benefits, such as working at home.  Your job is such a huge chunk of your day, you should be happy doing whatever it is right? For someone like me it’s a means to an end, but I also need to be happy and not stressed doing it so I am able to do my passion and purpose. It’s a fine balance to it. It’s a boundary to it.giphy (1)

I follow Halfietruths’ blog -and honestly if you don’t you should, she’s amazing!- and she did a video over boundaries, where she talks about  what boundaries are, why to have them, and how to set them. One of the things she talks about in the video is how setting boundaries protects your energy, which for me is why boundaries are so important for me right now.

I’ve always been very open about suffering with PMDD I will be doing a video on this soon so keep an eye out- Fortunately for me, I know I’m very sensitive to hormones, so taking birth control with hormones in it, Plan B, or anything with added hormones will trigger a “crazy” lady – seriously shit gets REAL!- So setting boundaries helps protect this very important space for my sanity.


It’s also so important for you and others to respect the boundaries you set. I’ve been guilty of setting boundaries and then going back on them to please someone or to please myself.-temptation is a bitch am I right?–  How confusing is that right? If I show I don’t even respect the boundaries or standards I set, how the fuck am I supposed to expect someone else to respect them?


Going into 2018, I challenge everyone to really get to know who you are. We are ever evolving beings and we are constantly changing and one day you look up and you realize you don’t know who you are anymore. I challenge you to be the best version of yourself daily. I challenge you to find you purpose and your passion and go for it, but live in the moment and enjoy the journey. What is living if you’re not having any fun? Have fun. but also RESPECT THESE FUCKING BOUNDARIES with positive vibes only. tenor

Let’s talk: What are some boundaries you’re setting for yourself in the New Year?

Until next time,

Happy Holidays!

Is Fear Driving You?

Hey there! If you’re new to the blog, Welcome! If you are returning because you just can’t get enough, I’m sure you have noticed some major changes. Initially, when I started this blog, I did it for the love of writing and sharing my thoughts because I wanted to make connections and hopefully what I was sharing was reaching someone and it helped- that’s what life is about right?- but I found myself holding back and not being as transparent as I wanted to be. I also didn’t like my house (blog site) it needed a major facelift and feel more like me- which was really important to me if I was going to take this huge leap with being more transparent, I had to feel comfortable in my space.

It was because of those reasons above that I hit a block. I wasn’t motivated to write anymore. So, I started this long process of really investing in myself.Aristotle-quote.3

I was also in a place in my life where I thought I knew who I was and everything changed, evolved, if you will. I could always see this spark inside me just waiting to burn brighter, but I wasn’t sure how to unlock it. I’ve been taking acting classes –which I recommend to anyone even if you don’t aspire to act, it’s seriously like a class on just being the best version of yourself–  it’s really helped me learn more about myself and my emotions. I saw that spark starting to grow into a fire. Now, acting is a passion of mine so this could be me feeding my passion, but once this spark started growing all these ideas started flowing in my head. So much so that I had to start carrying around a note book to keep up with them!

I always had a pretty good idea of who I was just from the perception other people had put on me, but was that who I really was? I also felt like I was pouring all these emotions out, but I was empty. And I couldn’t give what I really wanted to because I was very empty. Not saying that anything I was doing was inauthentic, but it was just the surface.

At job interviews, there’s always that one question they ask, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I would always give some bullshit answer because I needed the job. While going through this growth, I went on a job interview and was asked that exact question; I started to give my prepared, generic, best basic answer, and realized this is not what I want to do.  Even in my daily job, I began to see this is not where I see myself retiring. I realized I had a very clear vision of the life I wanted and I was deliberately avoiding it. Which is funny because the thing that made me happy was hard so I avoided it, but the thing that was bringing me misery I was doing every day and complaining about it

– like oh no baby what is you doing?!?!-

I always thought if you were living in your purpose and doing what you were called to do it would come naturally and be easy. Everything would make sense, doors would open, and it would be like why haven’t you been doing this all along?! WRONG! I have said in previous blogs that I had a very crystal clear vision of what my purpose was and I took steps to walk in that purpose. When I initially started walking in my purpose I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, I was super uncomfortable, and I felt like I was in way over my head. Nothing was coming easy, not all doors opened and everything felt so unnatural. I struggled A LOT and my self doubt kicked in to overdrive. So much so that I thought about quitting. I thought I’m not cut out for this, maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. The moment I thought about giving up I was overwhelmed with tears and I was depressed.  My mother told me, if that could make me this upset I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. God- or whatever/whoever you believe in– will test you, he will shake the ground, make it steady, then test you again. It’s up to you how you want to take the test. Oh the irony of this conversation! Earlier that day, I had a very open conversation with my coach. She also told me that the universe – or God– is trying to push me in a direction that I’m trying my damnedness to ignore because its difficult and hard and I don’t want to do the work. But she also told me that I had a lot of potential and that if I do the work I would be the person I’m so desperately trying to avoid.

Why do we avoid becoming who we are destined to be? That’s the story line for every great character right? They spend the whole movie avoiding their destiny and when they finally tap into it the world opens in ways they couldn’t have possibly imagined. If the end is going to turn out that way every time, why do we do our damnedness to avoid it? Maybe because we feel we are inadequate? Maybe because we don’t really believe in who we are? Maybe because somewhere along the way the world told us we weren’t special enough. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to change our way of thinking!


So guys this it me. Unapologetically me, promising not let your perception be my reality, and to be my best authentic self every day.  Promising to change the way I view myself and start believing more in me,- because I’m a pretty awesome person. Promising to not let the negativity of the world into my soul and tear me down, or tell me what I should or shouldn’t be, or how I should or shouldn’t act, or control who I am and what I believe. I will be still in my moments and have joy every day. This isn’t a new me, this is just a version of me without fear driving the bus!

So is fear driving your bus and if so, are your ready to take the wheel?

Until next time guys!



I Know What He Likes

So I was interested to know what men are attracted to, what things stand out the most. For me, most of my blogs are lately I have been written from my point of view, with some input from my circle of friends. This time I wanted to get my males opinion. I asked them series of questions and gathered a good idea of what the typical established male is looking for.

What feature they found attractive to the opposite sex?
dsfghjkNow I’m not going to lie, I thought I would get the typical answers like she gotta have a fat ass, big titties, small waist etc., but oh I was reassured that there is hope for us grown females that are still searching for that grown man! The top answers I got were that men want someone who carries themselves well. Size really didn’t matter to them as long as you could carry yourself well with that size, clothes that fit be put together. My favorite answer was realness. In a world where everything is becoming so fake some men still value realness. I’m not talking the personality trait, but rather the hair and nails. The other answers I got were approachable down to earth and nice teeth.

Next I asked if they prefer a specific race?
vghjkNow I did this for a couple reasons. I as a dark skinned African American woman seem to sometimes get over looked if I’m standing next to someone of light color. I have always had friends that are of the yellow bone complexion and although I didn’t find a couple of them more attractive than me – TIMEOUT- let’s not sit here and pretend that we don’t compare ourselves to the next chick even our friends. We don’t like our friend cause they’re extra fine it’s their personality, but you can bet your bottom dollar if you had to go up against her in looks you knew if you would fail or win in that category SOMEBODY gotta be the ugly friend,-TIME IN- but they always seemed to win even with jacked up teeth! So imagine my shock when I asked the question and got… NO SPECIFIC TYPE. Wait what?!?! Now maybe this has to do with the grown man putting away his childish ways, because lets be real to only date a certain type of skin color and not give other women a chance is very childish, because to love a person has nothing to do with their skin color- if only America could learn that-
imagesasdfgNow being the single woman that I am, I asked if there were any tips or advice they had on getting chose., for a relationship/wife. And by far the best answer I got I have to share verbatim “A woman shouldn’t wasn’t to be chose, she should was to be cherished. Being chose is like saying you are being selected off a shelf with others which in turns devalues woman’s worth.” Now I completely agree with this answer. We as women should demand to be cherished. However, for us single ones you often wonder is there something I’m doing wrong that I could do different to change my outcome? Another answer that I liked was “Men will treat you how you come off as you want to be treated”. In oher words, post a thirsty picture, you know the one half naked, showing that ass off, and a dog will surely pant in heat. The best way to be on your way to a relationship is to be yourself and to be open. It’s as simple as that.

imagesweNow ladies listen up, because this may help you change your ways! More than anything males hate an attention whore. That was my number one answer to turn offs. Don’t be that female in the club loud as hell for no reason; no one likes that female, she just good for entertainment. You heard it here first. Secondly, being closed- minded, gossipy, lack of confidence and argumentative. Let’s be honest, I can’t be around anybody with these traits, energy level is so negative it has to be hard to have to come home to someone like that.

Lastly I asked what were personality traits that were turn ons, and turn offs. I found that what it boils down to his someone who shares the same interest they have. I think this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, if you don’t share the same interest but forth some effort to. If that fails lord help you! Pick up the slack in other areas like having good convo, fashionable, goal oriented etc.

I learned a lot just from these simple questions, Did you?
I would like to give a HUGE thank you to the men that participated in this blog it absolutely means the world to me to have your support! To my ladies, if you get nothing else out of this blog, take this away; be you! He who is for you will accept you as you are even your weird little corks that you think no one finds interesting. Be open and always be independent, in the sense that you have some business about yourself, and remember the bible says he who FINDS a wife FINDS a good thing. Men are the hunters for a reason, don’t be desperate boo it’ll happen on Gods time. In the meantime, stay you and be beautiful!