Heavy is the Load…

In our daily lives we all pick up little or big stresses and at some point we all go through traumatic experiences. It’s no secret that I too have been through many things- I mean hello, I share most of it with you guys-Unconsciously, we pick these stresses up and begin to carry them and soon enough we are forever changed.
Last year, I had a life changing moment. I became awake, aware, and blank. Yes, you read that correctly blank. I wasn’t even aware that I was a shell of myself until recently. I was looking at old pictures and I realized I don’t smile like that anymore.

I used to take so many selfies- I mean you thought Kim K was bad? You haven’t seen my camera roll- I used to go out more often than I do now. As I moved into more recent times I saw less and less pictures of me and the smile that I used to have was now replaced by this fake, forced smile. I didn’t realize this experience took so much from my life. I didn’t realize I was carrying this load.  Have you ever thought you were over something simply because you had forgotten about it or because the presence of it was no longer there? In all reality you may have forgotten about it –or tried to- but the weight of it, you carry everywhere.

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I’ve taken this pain, this hurt, and I’ve internalized it. On the outside, I’m fine, but on the inside I’m slowly killing myself. I’m torturing myself and I don’t even realize it. and that’s really no way to live.

So the question is how do you begin to really heal? I have accepted the things that have happened and the choices that I have made, but instead of healing I’ve punished myself. I don’t allow to myself to go too out of control, I don’t allow myself to have too much fun, I don’t allow myself to feel pretty anymore. I have become this workaholic that had thrown myself into this tiring cycle of a8defde389f9b1eb2b17cbef83575310work, sometimes eat, and maybe get some sleep. I am a robot. –no seriously I am. I am the most responsible person now- it’s scary! Not that anything is wrong with being responsible, but there’s a balance to it, that I don’t have and can’t seem to find- or allow myself to find-

Recently, I began taking steps into something I really love to do.  I began to see a glimmer of who I once was. I’ve met some amazing people that have really changed my perspective. I have a sense of community with them.  I also realized that when I got to a certain point of allowing myself to be, I reeled myself back in subconsciously. I feel crazy for allowing myself to get like this, but I’m glad I was able to see what I was doing to myself.

c02e6f02323ad023374d6df004694a1dI’ve found that this is part of my story. I have to become comfortable with that. This is not something that happened to me by chance. This is not something that wasn’t supposed to happen. This is my story. It is a part of who I am. When what we consider mistakes happen we automatically try to figure out how to correct it. How can we fix it? But the reality is that it happened. Now I have something I can build on, I have something I can learn from, I have something that is unique to my experience.

Things happen in life that we don’t plan, we can’t control, we can only do the best we can with what we have. Some things are worse than others, but we can’t continue to beat ourselves up over it. You can’t control the situation only your attitude about it. I cannot continue to beat and punish myself for actions of the past. It happened, I dealt with it, and it’s over now. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I FORGIVE MYSELF.

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